Hhapselspag, Oregon is not really a part of Oregon.   You'll find it in Oregon, yes (with great difficulty), but it won't be on a map.   It holds no particular association with the Beaver State.  For thousands and thousands of years, it has existed - back before history was even recognized as a phenomenon.   Its residents only recently realized that they are in fact technically a part of These United States.   Today, Hhapselspag is a bustling sea port (the sea itself is rather a newfangled addition to the area, appearing as it did in the mid 1970s).   It is still quite unlike the rest of the cities of These United States, and it is rarely considered one of them.   This is largely due to its mythic and legendary status.  It is almost completely unknown - not only to the entire population of the planet Earth, but even to many of its own citizenry, who, for census reasons, are under the delusory conviction they are occupying a quaint suburb of Cleveland.

When it was founded, Hhapselspag was originally a fortification, a simple but well-built structure of stone and bread (bread in those days being particularly durable and unscalable).  It was founded by the motleyest assemblage of beings one could possibly imagine.  To name just a few: several indigenous human tribes endemic to the region, inter, extra, and meta-dimensional beings from beyond reality, time-travelers (many from modern-day Hhapselspag itself actively taking part in momentous historical events), the homunculae's union, a flying knitted sweater named Horus of Myrallia, magically enhanced shrub peoples from the Center of the Earth, a bevy of mythical creatures or cryptids (a couple of whom you might have heard about), and even three or four tiny worms of burrowing (and amicable) nature called Queckles.  These were just some of the many "founding fathers".

Aproximately 14,600 years ago, all of them were united under one cause : escape from the horrible nightmare creatures of unknown origin (most likely Neptune) who chased them!  They’d been on the run for over a year, crossing the great Pangaean continent, and were exhausted.   What would later become Oregon was their last sanctuary.   They decided to stop running and settle there, conconcting elaborate mystical measures to keep themselves hidden from the horrible creatures.  It worked!  And they were saved.   Soon their enemy gave up and disappeared all together, some say back to Neptune (which would explain Hhapselspag’s Annual Neptune Enmity and Scorn Festival).   The spell they cast to keep themselves protected remains to this day.

The Hhapselspag Tourist Board, as you can imagine, has a difficult time of things.   Given the strict secrecy and inherent mythical quality of the area, advertising is not an option.  A solution has been discovered that would still allow the tourist industry to thrive.  No, Hhapselspag would not become a household name.  But it would become a name known to madmen and those on hallucinatory vision quests.  Since the founding of the city, the Board has selected out-of-town candidates eligible for visiting Hhapselspag with their own special techniques.   Using Vision-inducing astral projecting communication devices (and a little home-grown mystical artistry), the Board is able to advertise to these individuals.   The Selected Few, or Tourists, as they are called, generally perceive the visions playing miraculously in front of their eyes as a Summons of Great Import, when in fact, it is merely just a fancy form of commercial.   Dr. John Hinchman Stokes, M.D. was one such Selected.  These Tourists make pilgrimages to seek out the town, and once there, almost surely do a lot of shopping!   And money continues to flow into the city coffers.

Hhapselspag is divided into many sections.   Several actually exist in different times.  For example, if you cross Sprig Avenue near its intersection with 19th St., you’ll find yourself in the year 1842.  Of course, the Hhapselspagians of 1842 are well aware of the visitors from the future crossing their street and appearing out of thin air in their time period.  They’ve made sure to provide several souvenir shops fully out-fitted with all that 1842 has to offer.  Interested in antiques?  Why not just buy it brand new, before it ever becomes an antique?  Cross the Sprig!

Be sure to stop off at the change booth further up on 19th in modern times to acquire the proper 1842 currency.  They won’t take credit cards.

Other areas that playfully mock the space-time continuum are the 1289, 1501, and 1733 Quarters.   Each has quaint and amusing names.

The Institute of Fried Cheese is one of the most popular tourist attractions.   Scientists study the phenomenon of fried cheese and how it factors into everyday life.  Whimsical museum exhibits edify the masses on the processes.  Great for instilling an appreciation of beauty in children ages 4-9.

While there, be sure to learn the Envelope Dance, Hhapselspag's greatest national treasure.  Citizens customarily shower dancers with fresh biscuits, so do a good job.  I'm sure you will.