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Invitation to DEATHWORLD:
Have you ever wanted to die?
Well now you can--at DEATHWORLD! It's the fun
place to die.
You can choose from a variety of different options for your awesome death and
dismemberment:
Get hit in the head by a simulated meteorite
Fall into a big pit of sand and remain unable to escape for weeks
Step on a poisonous rake
Spontaneous Combustion
Firing Squad
Long walk off a short plank
Flesh Eating Viruses
Simulated Heart Attack
Head slammed in a car door
Drown in a giant vat of honey
Mauled by your favorite animal
Drive off a cliff
Catapulted hundreds of miles by a high powered catapult
Hit your head on a toilet
Assassination by ninjas
Hit by a bus
Smothered by a fat homeless person
Jump in a lake
Choke on an expensive piece of steak
Get your tie caught in the train door
And many many more!
And if you have a special needs death, we will try our best to accommodate you!
We are an equal opportunity death provider, as well as fully compliant with
OCEA and the ADA!
Re: Invitation to DEATHWORLD:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Where do I go to go to DEATHWORLD?!
My kids have been nagging me to take them there for weeks! They've even begun resorting to starving themselves. And placing knives to each other's throats. Apparently they're really into this whole DEATH thing. And they desperately desire to experience your theme resort. My daughter Rachel really wants to be mauled by a pony. Her brother Calvin is all about the head on the toilet. Baby Jimmy is still teething but we think he's partial to the firing squad. At first, I was like, "What's this?!", for it hardly seemed like something I'd be amused by. But after reading about DEATHWORLD in your thoughtful invitation, me and the wife are now excited as well. We'd really like to visit. I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think I'd like to be dismembered in some way. Claire can't decide between the vat of honey or the vat of poisonous viruses. Either way, put her in a VAT! My wife can't get enough of them. No special death needs for this family, by the way - we are pretty easy-going! I must admit I'm intrigued by the "simulated" meteorites and "simulated" heart attacks. What other "simulations" do you have? Or did you mean "stimulated" instead? If so, don't feel bad. Typos are human! :)
So, as I say, the Greeley's are all geared up and ready to go to DEATHWORLD. We just need to know where it is, the hours of operation, and how much you're going to pay us.
Thank you,
Benson Greeley
Prepare to Die:
Mr. Greeley,
Here is the information you requested:
Driving directions to DEATHWORLD:
Go to hell.
Price of admittance:
Your eternal moul
FAQ #32: Stimulating Deaths and Simulated Deaths
This question doesn't make sense to us here at DEATHWORLD! All of our deaths
here are stimulating or your money back. And the most treasured aspect of our
beloved theme park is that all deaths are real! There are no simulated deaths!
At other theme parks, you will pretend to be scared on a ride that is actually
safe. Or you might go into a haunted house and pretend to be scared of a robot
wolf that is programmed not to kill you. Well here at DEATHWORLD you don't
have to pretend because our robot wolves WILL kill you! And all of our rides
are guaranteed to be fatal, even if they malfunction. So don't be fooled--just
because some of our death instruments may not be "100% natural" as they are
found in nature, they are all gauranteed to take your life away or your money
back!** In fact, we have hundreds of sadistic scientists working around the
clock to make sure your death is perfect. When Hitler chases you down and
beats you with a big rock, it looks and feels like the real thing. Best of
all, when you're dead, who gives a fuck? We sure don't!
**This claim does not apply to ghosts, indestructable robots, warrior gods, or
regenerating clones.
Re: Prepare to Die:
Dear DEATHWORLD,
I misunderstood. I was under the impression that DEATHWORLD would be paying me and my family to visit. From what I can gather from your letter, it will instead cost us our eternal moles to be admitted. Well, I apologize, but I don't have an eternal mole, and I don't even know what one is. What kind of a racket are you people running there in your Hell with your fancy moles?
I'm thinking it sounds like a rather good racket, if I do say so myself. :)
(Sorry, I like to jest. My wife says it drives her nuts, but hey, born a kidder, DIE a kidder, eh? Hehe.)
I do have one concern. I'm a little confused because you claim the rides are guaranteed even if they malfunction. But what if, for example, the robot wolf breaks down? It's not going to bite me now, is it? No, it's going to catch fire, or fall over, or whatever it is busted robot wolves do. And I'm going to be stuck sitting there, undevoured, and looking like an A-1 Prime Rib Embarrassment, with a capital E, if you hear what I'm saying, especially in front of the kids. Baby Jimmy is itching to see his old man's intestines slurped up by Hitler or whoever. The point is we want to die and we want it done right with no malfunctions. If by "guarantee", you mean a couple of your lackeys will run out after the wolf's blown up to sloppily take us out with meat-cleavers, well, I'm not going to have it. If we Greeleys say robot wolf, we mean it!
I'm sure you can make our stay at DEATHWORLD a fatal one.
Also, might I enquire into FAQ # 31? What is it, and what is its answer? I saw the # 32 and I couldn't help wonder what the one before it was. I must admit you've piqued my curiosity!
I'll work on getting your price of admission. Any chance I could get in free? I don't mind if my family pays with their moles or whatever. But be aware I am willing to sell them as slaves, if that cinches the deal at all. Rachel and her mother are both excellent swimmers - don't know if that's useful for a slave, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.
Thanks for the quick response. You all are running a tight ship there at DEATHWORLD!
Sincerely,
Benson "Fat Tub" Greeley
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