To
Current
Four Made-up Myths
from
Four Made-up Cultures
about how
the Goat Got Its Hair,
Rather Hastily Told
Myth # 1: From the Island of Marlasas:
Goat spied itself a River and did drink. Water, which was a randy fellow, jumped onto Goat and did sing Goat's praises in an obnoxious and unmentionable manner. Goat, now wet and drowning, called out for its allies, Air, Rock, and Tree, but they were out scouting the West, and could not reply. Goat tried to kick Water off its back but it did no good. And soon, Water had the better of Goat and Goat was dead. Where Goat lay on Ground, it started to decay and strange branches grew out of its skin. This is why goats have hair.
Myth # 2: From Ancient Prestonia
Once there was a man named Orma who decided to travel to the highest mountain so that he could jump from its peak and prove to his wife that he was in fact a god. He wasn't sure what he was going to do once he jumped off. Fly around? Heal the sick? Make lightning? What did gods do anyway? He would figure that out when he came to it. During his journey, Orma bent over and ate the vegetation on the side of the mountain, and he whispered his plans to it. As everyone knows, vegetation is a notorious blabbermouth and tattle-tale, and couldn't keep a secret if you watered it daily. It snitched every word of Orma's plans to the gods. The gods thought the situation was funny, so they sent Jase the masked one, the funniest of all the gods, to mock and make light of Orma and his quest. Thus, they were all assured a good laugh. But Jase was tired that day, and altogether sick of always being the one sent to places to provide amusement for everybody. He was beginning to feel like a tool. When he saw Orma he took pity on him and turned him into a weird animal that we now call a goat. Jase made the animal be a good climber with plenty of hair to keep it warm. This was so that Orma would be able to reach the top quickly and in good health. Jase's action weren't funny to anybody and the rest of the gods were sort of pissed off. Orma got to the top of the mountain and jumped off, and even became a god, but nobody was impressed, least of all his wife, and not even this storyteller. Still, goats are gods, so don't eat them.
Myth # 3: From Firiji
Back in the time before Harmitt and the Red Dasher stole their souls from Great Dark, back before the Wheat-flayer was yet born, back even before the time there were only two stars to battle it out in the night sky - but after there were way too many stars up there and all the land's creatures were blinded, there was a city called Szash. The King of Szash was very cruel and sent all of the city's women to Great Dark's caverns below the ocean where they could become witches if they wanted to. He also sent the city's children up into the trees to act as look-outs for any signs of Great Dark's Betrayal. The men he sent off to war in the deserts so that they might die and return as spirit warriors or not return at all, it mattered little to the King. He also sent the pets of the city into exile, giving them powerful cushions to rest upon in their tours of the other scenic spots of the lands beyond Szash. He went so far as to trade fine silks in exchange for hospitality in foreign lands for the domesticated animals, which included frogs, geese, cats and beetles. Once the evil king had sent everyone away, there remained only the goats. (One should remember that back then, during this crazy time, goats were hairless.) The goats were forced to do all the normal chores of men, women, children, and pets in the city. They ran the city for 300 years, and did a great job but this wasn't good enough for the King of Szash. He was thoroughly disappointed in everything they did. He kept getting angrier and angrier at the goats. For 300 years, his rage and frustration built up and built up, until he finally exploded. The goats still wear his exploded remains (i.e. hair) as a mark of pride. The end.
Myth #4: Coerced from the Gorach Peoples of Nabi
Mootik the Spirit was wily and crafty beyond my capabilities at words. He was so tricky and cunning that I myself feel like I can only begin to barely graze the surface of it in my description and will only do so upon threat of death, which is why and how I have found myself here talking to you. Mootik could steal the feathers off birds, the trunk off an elephant, even the legs and arms off of a human, and they would be none the better for it. They would never know. It is a most incredible thing and I am forced to speak of it. One time, and only one time, did he get caught. And that was with the most vile of creatures, the most dreaded and sickening of all creatures, the one with a name in my language that cannot be spoken without first removing one's tongue first so that one cannot actually end up being even able to speak it. So I will use the name in your speech to avoid Mootik's wrath: this unholy beast, it is so hard to even say, but I am threatened ... ‘goat’. On this occasion, Mootik was confident, as he should and always should, be, and he stole the goat's wings from on top of its head, and laughed and paraded around merrily with the host of humankind behind him, celebrating and dumping noodles into wells (which was customary), and wrapping everyone with his long tongue. This is what always happened to honor Mootik's cleverness. But the goat saw and heard and noticed, which had never happened and will never happen and is a great shame for Mootik and all humankind. Goat said, "Mootik, I know you have taken my wings. Give them back, please." And Mootik and his humankind host stopped and stood motionless in shock. Time stopped, until finally Mootik said, "You have discovered, vile goat" (only he used the creature's real name which was never again uttered by humankind). "Here are your wings." And Mootik gave them back. Or did he? He did not. In fact, he gave the goat the hair he stole from humankind, long ago, which we'd never noticed was gone until that very moment (Clever Mootik!) and the goat accepted the hair which it thought was its wings and was completely fooled, and never did notice. And Mootik smiled and his tongue encircled the earth, and he pranced about. For he had won in the end, and everyone (even the most wicked goat) joined him in the Great Victory Dance, and the wells were never dry of noodles for weeks. Please don't kill me.