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Originally all of these people were on my Hate List. But now I just think they are listed in Who's Who 1994 :
* Buggy Mermaid - -
Reptilian in type, but not in habit, Odgar Foots (pronounced "Hotchins") is an avid collector of imported wines and deported sailors. He has defected from his native country of Latvia no less than twelve times, but considers the sixth time to be his best. "I really defected that time. You should have seen it." He enjoys reverse fishing, a sport little-known in the West. "It involves casting your lure up into the air, and making sure it gets caught in a tree or a low-flying plane. I like it." But despite his animosity towards the weak-minded, Mr. Foots is weak-minded himself, a fact he categorically denies unless severely tortured. "Aaaah! That hurts! Okay, okay. I'm "weak-minded". Whatever. Now will you please stop poking me with hot sticks?" Next year, Odgar Foots is planning on a weekend trip to his alma mater, an abandoned school we found for him, just so that he could say he had somewhere fancy to go for a weekend trip. Never wanting to stay at the same place at the same time, he now stays at four different locales during eight different years. Right now he's got a little flat in 12th Century London. "Yeah, but the flat isn't 12th Century. Nor is it located in London", says Odgar, an alleged Pisces.
* Potted Dwellow - -
Ivey Stanplick, the ambivalent overseer, is by no means, a "mean customer". She gave digital watches to impoverished infants and told them they were "time-talking toys". No arrests were made, but the police did make a point of expressing their interest. "She shows a lot of promise", said Sgt. 788-0, "maybe one day she'll beat me at cheese chess." Although her roots are shrouded in dirt and clumps of mud and vegetation (maybe a rabbit burrow or two), she had quite comprehensible beginnings. She was born in a tiny villa on the back of a large octopus named Isaam. It wasn't long before her mother recognized her for what she was: an average-sized baby. Born into a family of hermetic druids, she later abandoned her faith and turned to the more mundane, secular career of mushroom modelling. Her parents re-adopted her at seeing her meticulous urban ways, in the hopes of steering her back to the Fold. Their plan failed, as she has recently "de-adopted" herself with the help of her husband, a robotic turkey lawyer whose name is subject to some doubt (he goes by "Evans"? (highly unlikely)). Being a successful mushroom model hasn't changed her much, she assures the public. "I still like my bagels lightly toasted and stomped on several times a day by my two beautiful children." The children of which she speaks, two rambunctious eight-year old boys and a slightly more rambunctious ninety-year old woman, do not in fact exist (as of press-time). Every other morning she gets up and displays her mushrooms to the public. And on the other mornings while still asleep, she gets a standing ovation from a public nearby, but not hers. Since she is not modelling during these times, she never becomes aware of how much she means to the fans (of other people).
* Cave-dwelling Mayoral Candidate - -
Invisible to all but the fewest pine-cones, Nancy Rittical, is a marine souffleist and professional sonneteer. But not by choice. "I never thought I'd end up this way. It's all been a horrible disappointment to me." We sympathize. But life wasn't all burgundy peaches and soiled water for Nancy. Back when she was in highschool, she was an all-state champion for chucking large ceramic lithographs of Margaret Thatcher at criminals. She credits her experiences in the school gymnasium as some of her best. "Man. Like this one time, Ernie Pawzitch brought a lawnmower to class and he left it there." We sympathize. Owing her failure in her adult life to a bad case of "wanting to just sit around and do little, if anything", Nancy is happy to be adopting five children next month as part of her company's annual "Let's all adopt five children" Month's activities. She is pleased, as this will mean that more than one person will probably end up knowing her on a first-name basis. We hope her children aren't rambunctious.
* Fast-acting Kerpluckity - -
Hardcore Hassel Lamont-Luckynerd invented the prom dress in 1997 at an indeterminate age. Royal scientists have described his face to be oblong in shape, citing it as "most reminiscent of a human's face". Appropriately enough, Hassel was born in Shramingham, New Shramingham - a bustling sea port situated neatly between two mysterious masonic lodges (nicknamed "Ed" and "Monster Duck" by the local folk) in the Saherra Desert (not to be confused with its more famous African nephew). His parents, Maureen and Maureen 2, were underground rocket testers. Needless-to-say, their careers failed early on, as they discovered the fires necessary to launch their rockets were a little ineffective covered in 15 tons of dirt. They loved little Hassel dearly and didn't begrudge him for his squat, unshapely body. They overlooked numerous shortcomings in their child such as his belly, which normally reaches a decent size and shape in other humans; but in Hassel's, unfortunately, was somewhat roundish and pronounced. Also, his eyes sometimes squinted in bright sunlight, his hands clasped things not unrarely, and his teeth were less than white. But his parents ignored these flaws and loved him all the same. They really should have been looking a little more closely. Hello, people! Knock-Knock! Big, Freaky-Boy over here! At the tender area behind his ears (just near the earlobes), Hassel learned to count. This was a big deal for everyone within a three-foot radius around him. Turned out Hassel was the only one (a wandering housefly just barely missed making the cut). Hassel didn't just stop with the manipulations of numbers; he eventually learned the alphabet as well, but experiments with adding and multiplying letters ended in failure. He just couldn't get the E to carry the G. Giving up abruptly one day was just the tip of the iceberg. An iceberg that slowly melted, thus making the tip all malformed and wet. To this day, Little Hassel Lamont-Luckynerd is a state-appointed state appointer. He appoints states to their appropriate nations. He would like to thank "just any random person at all in the world, like maybe even some dude in Oklahoma on the street; even a nun or some shit" for making all his dreams come true.
Choose Type carefully. Your identity is in question:
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a rotund cowboy --
Nicknamed "Panda" by his mom, his predilection towards spiders prevented him from having any healthy interactions with dogs. Happy with his body image, he denies his arachnophilia, preferring more esoteric terms for his condition such as "wily" and "pipe-driven".
a food service technician --
Despite her jaundiced skin and vertical eyebrows, she is quite lovely in a mainstream sense. A buried trashcan is her home, and in the Summer she likes to take trips to unknown people's houses, an act strictly forbidden by her mother since infancy. Once there at the house, she is quite the prankster, knocking on the strangers' doors, only to stand there expectantly awaiting the inhabitants' response. When they arrive, she is polite and apologizes. Hoots of laughter rarely are evoked, but many like to smirk in amusement at her jests, now quite well-known & appreciated in the dirtier parts of New Hampshire, if you were to imagine a fantastical science fiction alternate-reality version of New Hampshire (with dirtier parts). She likes to eat her soup with two (2) knives.
a famous person --
Her mother a doctor and her father one too, this pawn salesman made billions off of unessential chess pieces. Now seriously in debt, she is none-the-less much happier, as the love of her life, Mr. Lenny Oghhrf (note: NOT real name), employs her in his prison. He ignores her, unfortunately, but a planned attempt on her part to "rescue" all the prisoners will no doubt get his attention.
steve buscemi look-alike --
Harmless to all but the most unfledged insect, this man still stands tall, pretending to be something he's not - namely, fully human. His beastliness is unapparent, for any sign of it would probably make him slightly dynamic or valid, and he is far from resembling either of these things. He has a decent sense of humor which he uses to make friends. But any attempt to influence those friends fails, as he has very little patience, and tends to get annoyed with himself easily. He has a fail-safe method of self-punishment: washing his face regularly, removing what he calls his "bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, evil face-dirt". He is usually well chastened from this, and strangely never gets the hiccups.
thin wisp of a girl --
Pleased with the state of the world and its inhabitants, she started her own newspaper "Good News" at age 16. Its motto: "Smell the flowers! They're everywhere!" Optimistic and upbeat, she categorically denies the existence of the ocean. To her, it is just "land and land and land, forever and ever and ever". She is unliked by her family, but has found acceptance and love from the most unlikeliest of places: her food. She does not love it back, however, and devours it three times a day, viciously sometimes, not without a certain amount of spite. Hung about her room are three posters. The first one is of Groucho Marx, who she thinks is her father. The second is 'george washington in sunglasses' (that's not what the poster's of, just what's written across van gogh's sunflowers in permanent marker), and the third one is van gogh's sunflowers (this time without anything written on top of it).
the crybaby --
Served breakfast grits a few too many times, this iconoclast likes to bathe in the morning sunshine. She is a night watchman by day, but by night, she sleeps! This is what sets her apart from other less intrepid humans. Citing her parents as the leading cause of lung cancer in the U.S. and Canada (hives in New Guinea), she has formed a club for rejected astronaut hopefuls. She wishes that all rejected astronaut hopefuls could be sent out into space, and she encourages any of them out there to join her organization. It's not that she wants them to reach their goal or attain their dream. Rather, she just wants them off the planet. "Human detritus", she calls them.
the Schwine --
Habitually late in arriving, yet strangely somber if accused, this budding poet is a shoe-in for 'most likely to make men cry'. His poems are filthy, yet bleak. Many consider him a misogynist, and they're correct, but only in-so-far as he will never acknowledge a woman's right to vote. Years ago, he was reared by an elderly man, who mistook him for a pig. The resulting effects to his personality are of a positive nature, and he always tips a lot at restaurants. To him (and his adopted sister), aluminum foil is the devil's garb. Somewhere down below, they believe, deep within the fiery bowls of God's prison, the devil dances in his aluminum foil suit, cat-calling sinners with jeers about their weight. According to the Schwine, Satan likes to pick on fat people. This has become the over-arching theme of his entire literary work. Next year he is tackling prose, writing a four-page heartfelt denouncement against Satan's lack of fat-friendly tendencies.
an underpaid grocer --
He is malnourished and weak, but relatively happy. He's got his records and his sheepdog. Working at a large supermarket, he pines after a girl in the seafood section. He prefers vanilla over chocolate. Local children began fetishizing his existence last year, and word has spread. Now, starting this Fall, a world-wide pilgrimage will take place. Faithfuls from all over will make the trek to his hometown and revere him like a totemic idol. Confused at the attention, he none-the-less has seen a way to profit from the experience: he has asked that all pilgrims bring any old records with them (if they've got them), as he may be interested in a purchase. Also, he is thinking of relocating himself to Mecca just to help Muslims kill two birds with one stone. The pilgrimage could revitalize the failing economy of the entire world.
rejected astronaut hopeful --
Seeing a handful of dirt at age 19 while visiting the Grand Canyon changed this young person's life forever. She knew right then that she wanted to dance between the stars. Ballet classes taught her nothing, and it wasn't until a rejected astronaut hopeful named Raul Husbandry married her that she made the slightest bit of progress. He encouraged her to follow his dream. She applied to NASA by mail and has only recently been notified of the rejection. Still nineteen (despite numerous attempts to advance her age), her dream of becoming an astronaut is still alive. Never having actually met any other human beings besides her ballet teacher and husband does not bode well for her chances. And now word has it that the ballet teacher mysteriously fell off numerous cliffs over a period of three and a half days this past Christmas. In addition, her husband recently left her and hooked up with a pilot. He currently resides in the lavatory of a top military stealth plane. His ex-wife plots his death, and is also considering the adoption of an endangered whale named Philmo, who she hopes can survive the deadly heats of the Sahara. Never planning to move away from her New Jersey homestead, she plans to care for the whale from afar.
The other dudes are dumb. One's a bully. There's also a fisherman and a hermit dwarf.
WHOM DO YOU CHOOSE?
No false modesty please.
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