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Theodore Roosevelt's eldest daughter, Alice:
She enjoyed shocking people. The press had a field day reporting her various scandalous activities, among which included:
* Wearing make-up
* Smoking on the roof of the White House
* Bragging about speeding in her friend's roadster... while unchaperoned
* Placing a bet at a racetrack
* Wearing a boa constrictor around her neck... in public
* Jumping into a pool fully dressed at one of her dad's junkets
* Setting off firecrackers and shooting at telegraph poles... from a train
Needless-to-say, women idolized her, and she became the source of songs and poems.
A particular gray-blue color was her favorite, so it was named after her (Alice Blue).
Her father once said: "I can either run the country or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both."
She often possessed what she called ""malevolent detachment".
Ever since they were kids, she tormented her cousin, Eleanor Roosevelt, and would do impersonations of her.
She planted a voodoo doll of Nellie Taft, the new first lady after her father was succeeded, on the White House lawn, and mocked her "hippopotamus face".
She was known as Princess Alice, Mrs. L., and "the other Washington monument".
She loved gossip and is famously known for keeping a sofa pillow with the following phrase embroidered on it: "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."
She once said, "Coolidge looks like he was weaned on a pickle."
She adopted a trademarked wide-brimmed hat and told President Lyndon Johnson she wore it so he couldn't get close enough to kiss her.
She played poker with Warren G. Harding, was JFK's favorite dinner guest, and acted as Richard Nixon's confidant.
On her piano, she had framed pictures of Joseph McCarthy and Fidel Castro side by side.
She died in 1980 at the age of 96. Her last act was to stick her tongue out at a friend sitting by her bedside.
Some comics I might buy this Summer:
CONVERSATION #1
by James Kochalka and Craig Thompson
"James Kochalka and Craig Thompson -- two of our best cartoonists -- go head-to-head in this free-wheeling collaboration/argument, discussing art and religion, confronting each other and playfully confronting God in one of the best comics "jams" ever set to paper. Kochalka and Thompson draw together, trading the pages back and forth, adding to each others drawings as the conversation turns in unexpected directions. A wild energy forms as their two drawing styles merge together. It's like a comics version of My Dinner with Andre, but with a giant killer octopus."
SCRAPBOOK: UNCOLLECTED WORK 1992-2004
by Adrian Tomine
"This hefty, beautifully designed book is the ultimate collection by one of the fastest rising stars in independent comics of the past decade. Scrapbook collects all of Adrian Tomine’s short, non-Optic Nerve comics from the past 12 years, together for the first time along with a breathtaking assortment of artwork and illustrations from the top magazines on the continent, including Pulse, Details, Giant Robot, The New Yorker, Esquire, and George."
PUPSHAW & PUSHPAW
by Jim Woodring
"Surreal cartoonist Jim Woodring has wowed alternative comics fans for a better part of ten years, and he doesn’t show signs of stopping soon. With Jim Woodring’s Pupshaw & Pushpaw #1 HC, the illustrator who would give Dali and Magritte a run for their money gives us colorful, wordless adventures of the zany, toaster-sized duo Pupshaw and Pushpaw, as seen in Woodring’s comic series Frank. Not needing to be escorted by the bucktooth cat, both Pupshaw and Pushpaw set out for weird fun madcap adventures!"
CHRIS WARE TP
"This is the first book to discuss the life and work of Chris Ware, author of the acclaimed, best-selling graphic novel Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth."
CARNET DE VOYAGES
by Craig Thompson
"Craig Thompson -- the award-winning creator of Blankets and Good-bye, Chunky Rice -- spent three months travelling through Barcelona, the Alps, and France, as well as Morocco, where he was researching his next graphic novel, Habibi. Spontaneous sketches and a travelogue diary document his adventures and quiet moments, creating a raw and intimate portrait of countries, culture and the wandering artist."
Fun Facts about the Beluga:
They're the only whale that is white!
Their melon heads can send out sound and "read" their surroundings using echolocation. Plus they act as a cushions when belugas want to push through ice.
As belugas age, their color lightens; they go from dark gray to white. Neat.
Unlike most whales, they can turn their heads and can kind of make faces at you.
Their eyes can be found behind the corners of their mouth and their ears can be found behind their eyes.
Forty percent of the beluga is its blubber.
They swim with icebergs.
They are called the "canaries of the sea".
Do not be fooled by this website.
It's filled with LIES.
Fun Facts about Rasputin:
When he was growing up he was a wild kid, a horse-thief, and a drunk. Apparently the local priest would pay him every week to stay away from church on Sundays.
Some say his grandfather took him as a young boy to visit a monastery, where he first felt religious urges. When they returned, Rasputin dug a hole in the garden and sat for days, absorbing Earth's powers.
Then he became a wandering holy man. Actual quote: "For experience and to test myself, I frequently did not change my undergarments for six months."
He still sinned publicly all the time, engaging in rampant bouts of drinking and womanizing, but because he convinced the Tsarina that he could heal her son's hereditary hemophilia, he stayed one of the most influential men in the government and could get away with just about anything.
His eyes were known to change colors.
He didn't know how to read.
He didn't just treat the Romanovs. His office hours were from 10 am to 1 pm, and any citizen of St. Petersburg could call on him for healing or spiritual support during that time.
In fact, he seldom visited the Imperial Family in the Palace.
Bet you didn't know! His daughter, Maria, became a circus performer and died in Los Angeles.
If you wanted to, you could attribute all of his successes to one thing: hypnotism.
Nobody likes a good hypnotist, however, so it's no wonder some aristocrats lured him to their home and fed him poisoned cakes. Unfortunately, they had no effect. Instead, no doubt in some creepy way, Rasputin asked them to sing for him. They got scared and shot him with a pistol. Which didn't have much of an effect. And he escaped. When they caught up to him, they shot him some more and beat him up. But he didn't actually die until they bound him and threw him into the river.
The Mad Monk is hiding somewhere in these two photographs! Can you spot him and foil his evil machinations?
Remember: All the people in these photographs have probably been hypnotized.
I didn't know who Mr. Mxyzptlk: is. I stumbled on the name and so I looked him up. Here's what I found:
He's a magical imp jester from the fifth dimension.
He appeared at first as a small bald man in a purple suit, green bow tie, and purple derby hat. But later he grew some hair and changed his color to orange.
By mistake, his name also got changed to Mr. Mxyxptlk.
Some clever blokes decided to explain the mistake by saying the two were actually different, and that one was an "Earth-1" version and the other was "Earth-2". Please.
Lex Luthor eventually taught him how to lie.
Mr. Mxyzptlk became an instrument for post-modern self-deprecating, self-referential humor, breaking the fourth wall and commenting wryly on editorial decisions and genre cliches.
Earth-1 version has a girlfriend named Ms. Gsptlsnz.
In the live-action TV show "Superboy", he is said to be a leprechaun.
This is how Superman sent him back to the fifth dimension (Click to enlarge):
Inspired by the McSweeney's Recommends page, here's my own attempt:
Henry's Recommends:
Stratego
I don't remember the rules to this board game but I have fond memories of playing it with my brother. It's red vs. blue with spies and bombs in glorious conflict. A merciful end to the bloodshed is delayed as the opposing generals squabble over how to properly pronounce the name.
Bamboo Shoots, also those little corns
Taking Chinese food to the next level.
Michael Palin
This guy's a class act all the way.
Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
It's an epistolary novel, which means it's composed entirely of letters written back and forth by all the characters, which means that it won't take long to read, which means you might as well pick up a copy and read it, which means you won't be sorry.
Dr. Katz
This cartoon made with SquiggleVision (TM) is long gone, but it was pretty funny.
The Pixies
A great band. I often entertain fantasies that I'm in heaven and the Pixies circa 1990 are playing live. In Heaven, Everything is Fine.
White Noise
This really helps me fall asleep at night. A good powerful ceiling fan will usually do the trick.
Joust
Every time you hit the button, your ostrich mount's wings flap in this excellent 80's arcade game. Your enemies fly on evil buzzards and will turn into eggs if you bop their heads from above. Catch the eggs before they hatch into newer and more powerful enemies. As far as video games, I might also recommend Lemmings and Tetris.
QB through QL
This is the section of libraries that has aliens, UFOs, Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and all that good stuff. I was compelled as a child to cling fervently to this section and no other, fearful of ever venturing out into the mysterious unknown, aka the rest of the world.
Large Antique Scissors
Especially when they're a tarnished gold. I wonder, what did people cut with them? Was paper thicker back then?
Used CD Stores
What happened? Where did they go? There used to be three or four on the street by campus. Now they're all gone. This is where I want to buy my music. I like paying 8 bucks or maybe finding a discounted CD for 5. There's always that glorious time you go when you find exactly what you're looking for, like cosmic forces are conspiring in your favor.
Holograms
Where you move to one side and it seems to come alive. I want one made of me. Maybe where I'm giving a wink.
Finding out that the puppeteer of a Punch & Judy show is called a Professor
Or that Theodore Roosevelt, in the dead of winter on a river, once chased down a couple of thieves who stole his rowboat, and when he caught up with them he made them surrender, went and borrowed a wagon, set off cross-country with the thieves in custody, and trekked 40 miles on foot in snow-covered Badlands to finally bring them to justice, with the most memorable part being that during this time he managed to read all of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina.
Jackson Five
A few of their songs are proof of God's existence? Difficult to explain.
Admiral Ratbar
Try this at home: Take your Admiral Ackbar action figure and twist its head around 180 degrees so that the pointy part at the back of its head is now in the front where it looks like the nose of a rat. Now you've made Admiral Ratbar! He's the evil antithesis of saintly Admiral Ackbar. No doubt he's in cahoots with Jabba the Hutt. I like how he's still an Admiral.
Aglets
The little plastic sheaths on the ends of your shoelaces. Deftly facilitate easy passage through the holes, or "eyelets". Such spunk on those things. Inspiring.
The Artful Dodger
This is the character in Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist. He's the mischeivous rapscallion with the top hat and man's coat who introduces Oliver to Fagin. When I was a kid, I think I really wanted to be him.
Corvidae
I like the look of the crows and ravens.
Percussion
As in drums. This is going to be the huge thing this Summer.
The General
This Buster Keaton movie inspired Monty Python to make their movies' settings more realistic. Amazing and riveting.
African Tribal Figurines
When I go to a museum, this is pretty much the only area I want to check out. The artists often break up the body and face in such a way that I want to have this power.
Mixing Hummus with Chopped Tomatoes
What a winning combination. Probably best in synthesis with pita.
Walrae
Aye, the walrus is a fine animal.
Things you might like, but I don't:
Post-Henson Kermit the Frog
"Red, Red Wine" by UB40
Joe Matt's Peep Show
Emeril
The comedy of Drew Carey
Poker
The scene in Superman 3 where the ray turns the woman into a robot
Spawn
Sports video games
The science fiction of L. Ron Hubbard
Phantom of the Opera (the musical)
Home videos of mishaps and accidents
Star Wars, Episode II, Attack of the Clones
Hot tomatoes
Overrated:
Most french fries
Tim Burton
Also:
Does anyone else think that the Hey Ya song is actually pretty sad and melancholy?
Or that Korn is upbeat, silly, and happy sounding?
Funny Links Time:
There's a joke book written in the fourth or fifth century called The Laughter Lover. Interesting to see how jokes have changed and also eerily stayed the same. Here's a translation of a few good ones:
A young actor was loved by two women, one with bad breath and the other with reeking armpits. The first woman said: "Give me a kiss, master." And the second: "Give me a hug, master." But he declaimed: "Alas, what shall I do? I am torn betwixt two evils!'
--------
An intellectual bought a pair of pants. But he could hardly put them on because they were too tight. So he got rid of the hair around his legs.
--------
An Abderite saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the Abderite asked: "So is she your daughter?"
Hehehe, Abderites.
Also funny:
How to Write Good
How I Met My Wife
More Tips on Writing
Wacked Out Ads
Trade Ephemera from 1654 to the 1860s
The Rigging of a Ship - Who knew?
Author Pseudonyms
Personalized whatever
"This Godless Communism" comic book - keep flipping through, really sells the dangers. intro by J. Edgar Hoover!
Andy's Early Comics Archive - including the cartoons of Heath Robinson and Little Nemo on Mars
Hunkin's Experiments
And finally, Emily poses the question:
"event 18?"
Some funny things:
Harmon Leon
Forthright's Phrotistery
Saddam's Interrogation Logs
Interesting article: Did You See the Gorilla?
Tapirs are great. I was once told that I looked like one. They are living fossils. Either that or aliens. I would make a fun facts list for them but there already is one. I think my favorite is that they can "outmaneuver a dog". But it ain't easy bein' a tapir. They may be going the way of the Stag-Moose.
Brian sent me this link to a series of Flash cartoons, and I highly recommend:
Making Fiends
Funny costumes
I have had a passion for all things Prehistoric and Mammalian, or preferably some combination there-of, since I was a youth!
Approximately 11,000 years ago many of them became extinct. But why? The climate? Human hunters? Probably the latter, damn us.
You probably know of mammoths and smilodons (saber-toothed tigers), but what about the lesser known ones? They are gone and pretty much forgotten...
Giant Beaver
The size of a black bear, it was one of the largest rodents ever.
Know them by their ridged cutting teeth, deep skulls, and roundish, muskrat-like tails.
Stag-moose
It looks like a cross between an elk and a moose.
It's got funny stilt legs.
Otherwise it was pretty much like a moose.
Short-faced Skunk
I couldn't find any information on this prehistoric beast, but it was very real.
And it once ruled this planet, no doubt with an Iron Fist.
Eohippus
The first horse and the smallest, it was 2 feet long and 9 inches high.
Another name for it is Hyracotherium, which oddly enough means "mole beast".
Admit it, you want one as a pet.
Dire Wolf
It was pretty much like a wolf except it had a bigger head.
Oh, and bigger teeth.
Did I mention it had shorter, sturdier legs as well? Yes.
Wooly Rhino
As big as an elephant and it had two horns.
A complete intact body of one was found buried in mud.
If only it was still alive, what secrets would it reveal?
Ground Sloth
Frickin' huge, it could get up on its hind legs.
It has the coolest name of all: MEGATHERIUM.
I am quite enjoying the blog of Dorotha Harried.
Oliver is a "Humanzee". He's real and I think he lives just outside Austin. I heard he can flush the toilet and mix his own drinks. Apparently the other chimpanzees ignore him. Is he a missing link, an evolutionary advancement, or just an isolated mutation?
Learn more here and here.
I am having a hard time figuring out what this is, maybe some kind of live Japanese Monster battle parody show? I want to know!
Kaiju Big Battel!!
I really like the work of Japanese print artist Yoshitoshi, 1839-1892.
Biography
Biography with sSelected Works
Big gallery
More Yoshitoshi Links
Linky Time Fun:
ESP Game: A game similar to TABOO that you can play online with another person that will eventually help catalog all the images on the net, which will lead to a more accurate image search. It didn't work for me though. Bah.
Rethink the Cool: But how? Why, just buy Blackspot sneakers, the anti-corporate shoe. Ah.
Arblog: Seems like a good place to find out what's going on in the comic book world. Yah.
Has Theosophy A Future?: Lecture given by my great-grandfather in 1935. Grandpa.
Tracker: The official soundtrack to the Craig Thompson graphic novel, Blankets. Wha?
It was recently the 30th birthday of Dungeons & Dragons. This is pretty funny:
Dark Dungeons
Sorry for pouting, but I'm a little peeved because NONE of the people I played with invited me into their coven. Didn't I play the game "correctly"? I want someone to teach me how to use the mind bondage spell on my father, and maybe other people too. I want to have the Real Power!
Sigh. I guess I'll just keep fighting the Zombie.
Eightball # 23 Available in July.
Been reading about Princess Caraboo. Here's a snippet of a poem from a newspaper written in 1817 when she was all the rage. I found the complete poem and more here.
...
And where did she come from? and who can she be?
Did she fall from the sky? did she rise from the sea?
A seraph of day, or a shadow of night?
Did she spring upon earth in a stream of gas-light?
Did she ride on the back of a fish, or sea-dog?
A spirit of health, or a devil incog.?
Was she wafted by winds over mountains and stream?
Was she borne to our isle by the impulse of steam?
Was she found in complete "fascination" elate?
Or discovered at first in a chrysalis state?
Did some philosophic analysis draw
Her competent degrees from some hot-water spa?
Did some chemical process occasion her birth?
Did galvanic experiments bring her on earth?
Is she new? is she old? is she false? is she true?
Come read me the riddle of Miss Caraboo.
...
And now I've discovered that her story's been turned into a movie, a romantic comedy starring Phoebi Cates, Kevin Kline, and John Lithgow. Oh boy.
Say what you will about James Kochalka (I have), but these ideas for tv cartoons he plans to pitch are pretty cool:
Henry,
How's it hanging? I'm bored. I just registered for a thousand sweepstakes
online and I'm pretty sure I'll be getting non stop telemarketing calls and
someone will steal my identity. Then I will drown in a deluge of junk mail.
Speak well of me at my death party.
Brennan
The following speech transcript was culled from the presentations given at Brennan Gage's death party:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Extinguished guests, Honored parents, Guardians, Angels, Whomever...
Hi, everybody! My name is Henry Stokes and I'm Brennan Gage's good friend, "Henry". Before I get started, I'd like to say firstly that you can call me "Henry" (pronounced "Henry"), but Brennan Gage pronounced it "Henry" (pronounced "Harrrrrrrby"). Either one will work. I have conditioned myself to identify with both."
"Ahem" (Clears throat, rustles notes).
"Brennan Gage."
"It's a name not synonymous with 'anonymous'. No. Nay. Rather, it is a name associated with the young man whose death we are partying about. St. Peter, you may have denied Jesus Christ, but don't deny Brennan at the gates of Heaven. Stop with the denial already. Work out your issues. Don't be stringent. Let the boy in."
(There is much applause. The speaker must patiently wait out the thunderous reception.)
"I want to say the following things about Brennan Gage. Number One, no one can say he was nothing but steadfast. Number Two, he was not a popinjay, but he was a 'papa ninja, eh'? Oh yes. Number three, the deluge of junk mail that drowned him did not make us forget who he was."
(There is some confusion as a man suddenly leaps onto the stage and attempts to grab the microphone away from the speaker. The speaker does some cool kung fu moves against him but to no avail. He becomes comatose and falls face-down into some kind of large ceremonial cake. The new speaker takes over the proceedings.)
"Listen up, people! I just heard news that Brennan Gage is NOT DEAD! He is still alive and is probably thinking we're all saps for being at his death party! The reason I know this is because we have recent credit card expenditures recorded in his name. I ask you, how could he be making purchases while dead? That sort of thing should be stopped at Heaven's gate. But in this case, the credit card was not denied!"
(Everyone shuffles out of the party room. Several hours pass. A man enters. He is Brennan Gage. Not actually Brennan Gage, because the real Brennan Gage drowned from a deluge of junk mails after registering for a thousand sweepstakes online, but rather the new one who stole the real one's identity. But still, it's kind of like he's been resurrected. He takes control of the microphone.)
"Hey Henry, wake up. Get your face out of that cake! Let's rock and roll!"
(Henry wakes up and the two form an immediate band named "Just the Makers". They perform smash hits and own the airwaves with their primeval rocking.)
I so like it.
Cartoons with random punch-lines
Some Good Things:
You can read the entire text online of a strange Irish novel by James Stephens. It's The Crock of Gold.
John Flansburgh of TMBG hosts a radio show about music. It's Now Hear This.
Another anime movie to look forward to besides Miyazaki's next. It's Steam Boy.
Gettin' fuzzy wit it!
There's a poster on a cubicle wall at work of one of James Gillray's cartoons. Never heard of him before, but I was curious so I looked him up online.
Nice Intro to Gillray
First, his work showed up on the wall of a museum I visited this week in Dallas. And just today he was mentioned in an article with the makers of the new Hitchhiker's Guide movie as one of their big influences for the film.
Freaky!
Brian Stokes and Chris Ware... YES!
Gillray
Goya
This rules. Art Gallery of Gustav Dore
The Museum of Unworkable Devices
The Ova Prima Foundationa
Miskatonic University
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Infocom Text Adventure (For Dan)
Gallery from the Institute of Parallel Studies
The Official Roger That! Fan Page
The exhaustive "Little-Known Attractions of Lynchburg and Central Virgina"
Tribute to the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency (1868-1975), a.k.a. The Vanguard
Help Save the Tree Octopus from Extinction!
*** CONSUME WITH CAUTION! ***
Visit the Hokes Archives
Started by Everitt Ormsby Hokes, it houses collections devoted to the archaelogically neglected Aazudian, Apasht, and Arenot peoples, plus the famous exhibit on the 'Centaur Excavations at Volos'.
The Mad Revisionist, "...dedicated to the manufacturing of truth through the discarding of evidence"
Check out their brilliant expose on the Moon and how it isn't actually a real thing, but rather... a HOAX.
------------
What else? How about Britain for Americans, Feline Reactions to Bearded Men, The Official KRESKY Homepage, and WingMakers?
I am just layin' it all out for you crazy people!
The homepage for my cult Event 18 just got awarded "Greatest Cult Website Ever", which is pretty sweet considering it's not even up online yet. Special thanks to Brennan for that. He is also responsible for plugging 'Event 18' into the Essay Generator, and it turned out remarkably accurate.
Some extracted quotes from that:
"A child’s approach to Event 18 smells of success."
"Comparing the ideals of the young with the reality felt by their elders is like contrasting Event
18ilisation, as it's become known, and one's own sense of morality."
"If Event 18 be the food of politics, play on."
"To conclude Event 18 plays a large part in the lives of all. It fills a hole, invades where necessary and statistically it's great."
What did I learn about today?
The Sargasso Sea is one crazy locale!
It spans the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Floating over the entire expanse is seaweed called sargassum.
Mariners once feared getting tangled in it or devoured by it.
It's been nicknamed the "Doldrums" because ships would be dead there in the water for weeks.
Also named the "Sea of Lost Ships" and the "Floating Desert".
It moves in a slow, clockwise drift.
Its water is warm and very clear and blue.
You might not realize it's an international meeting place for eels, who are drawn there by unknown forces.
Abraham Lincoln was more than meets the eye!
An 11 year old girl suggested he grow his beard, so he did.
"Bob" was what he decided to name his cat.
Though he wanted to fight in the Civil War, he couldn't, so some random guy volunteered to be his substitute and fight in his place.
A patent was awarded for the device he invented that could lift boats over shoals.
Blemish roll call: a wart on his right cheek, a scar on his thumb from an ax accident, and a scar over his right eye from a fight with a gang of thieves.
He and his wife held seances in the White House.
He liked wrestling and Edgar Allen Poe.
Anansi the West African spider god was tricksy!
He determined the borders of rivers during floods.
Heard of day and night? That's his doing.
Plus he taught mankind how to shovel.
He set himself up as the first king of the human beings.
All the tales and stories in the world are owned by him because he bought them from the sky god in exchange for some animals.
He met his match with the wax girl.
Later he was usurped by the chameleon.
Even if you tell the story of how he was usurped by the chameleon, Anansi gets the last laugh.
Hello All. Even before the new year, I had been inundated with demands to define the numbat. It may please you to know that I am finally resigned to my fate. What follows will not just be a typical list of fun facts of the numbat, but the actual definition of the numbat. Do with the information what you will. I only ask that you remember this: "Mercy, no matter the form, is an action of the super-human."
The definition of the numbat is as follows...
(please note the somber lack of exclamation points)
Numbats have 52 small teeth.
They have a long sticky tongue.
They are marsupials but with no pouch. How does this work? Dunno.
They live in logs.
Their diet is pure termite (20,000 per day), but sometimes there's an ant in there by accident.
Numbats are widely regarded as very photogenic.
They are slow moving.
Do not mistake my austerity for half-heartedness. I mean what I say.
I have defined the numbat!
How can I prevent my child from being replaced by a changeling?
Baptism is recommended. A constant vigil on the child may also prevent exchange.
In the event of the watcher falling asleep, place a key next to the infant.
Also, the laying of a pair of men's pants, preferably the father's, over the cradle or on the child itself, may aid in prevention.
How do I know if I have a changeling?
It has a thick head and staring eyes, and does nothing but eat and drink.
You have grown tired of it.
It is very strong.
It gets sick.
If it hasn't said anything before now, and then it suddenly says, "Ho! Ho!"
It admits to being 800 years-old or older.
Go get the child weighed at a holy place. They'll tell you whether it is one or not.
So I've got a changeling, what can I expect?
In short, a miserable time.
It will laugh when things are going badly for you.
It won't live longer than seven years, although some might last eighteen or nineteen.
What should I do with my changeling?
Trick it into revealing itself.
Abuse it in some way so that the kidnappers arrive, complain, and switch your child back (preferred).
Burn it over flames.
Throw it in the water.
What happened to the mortal child replaced by a changeling?
They may become kings, or help purify the ugly underground people. Reports indicate their eyes become large and dreadful and the hems of their skirts are always dripping wet.
A good rule of thumb when dealing with changelings: Follow any and all advice given by your community.
Here are some neighbors to the platypus:
Kelly suggests the Frill Neck Lizard
They are not harmful to man!
Their frill can be "activated" by thought alone! Usually out of fright!
September is Frill Neck Lizard Lovers month! (because this is when they mate)
Nobody seems to agree whether they're called Frill Neck Lizards, Frilled Lizards,
Frill Necked Lizards, Frilled Neck Lizards, or even the moronic, Frilled Necked Lizards!
Look to the now-defunct two-cent Australian coin for a depiction of this animal... in relief!
Might I interest you in the wombat?
Wombats are the largest burrowers of all! Name a bigger one, I dare you!
Do not confuse wombats with numbats, another Australian marsupialoid!
A wombat is extremely strong! They can outdig a man with a shovel!
They use biting to express their feelings!
They are the most playful marsupials. This includes head butting, biting, running away to solicit a chase, and the indulging of shoulder rolls and somersaults!
Incidentally, playfulness is considered a measure of intelligence!
Also, the wombat's brain entirely fills its skull, and it has many surface convolutions. My point: Wombats are smarter than koalas!
They don't eat much! Just like some grass, but that's like it!
Let us never forget the kookaburra?
They refuse to build nests!
They are also known as the "laughing jackasses"!
Water is not in their diet!
They seem to like to wake people up!
The aborigines believed that any child who insulted a kookaburra would grow an extra slanting tooth!
They won't eat fish!
A lot of you have probably noticed and enjoyed the part by the title up above that changes daily. Here's a recap of what you might have missed:
Welcome to the website that's...
"property of one 'Mr. Monkeypants'!"
"the other half of the battle!"
"one part vermouth!"
"really making me hungry right now!"
"a love letter to all my fans!"
"hung like a cheetah!"
"*Hey Everbody I AM A HACKR This sit Has BEEN HAKKD! -byTrue1NiNjA***"
"thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too!"
"an exercise in duplicity, whatever the hell that means!"
"a Practical Man's Guide to Getting All the Ladies!"
"a thorn in the side of America!"
"not a good substitute for catching up with Henry!"
"worshipped like a god by the modern peoples of Tuscany!"
"funny in the tummy!"
"endorsed by debutantes!"
"chillin' like a villain!"
"making the trains run on time!"
"like a ride on a 'Roller Stokester (TM)'!"
"durned tommyrot!"
"run entirely by robots... ahem, NAKED robots!"
"hung over from last night's drunken revelry!"
"a way for Henry to apologize for his various scandalous activities on the television!"
And here's some that were rejected:
"all washed up!"
"practically perfect in every way!"
"groooooovy, baby!"
"humble in its meagerness!"
"characterized as 'simply superb' by thirty chimpanzees of my acquaintance!"
Or if self-deprecation is your thing, there are these rejected ones:
"sound of crickets chirping!"
"sadly one of my only outlets of expression!"
"never viewed by Brian Stokes apparently!"
"a whole lot of nothing!"
"starting to really get on everyone's nerves!"
"isn't even remotely significant enough to warrant getting annoyed by!"
"read by like three people! Four tops!"
A romp to be had:
Essay Generator
THIS ONE IS SO COOOOL:
Hero Machine
This web-site amused me:
Thorax Corporation LLC,,.
A Quick Reminder of G.I. Joe bad guys:
The Baroness: aka Anastasia DeCobray, wealthy European aristocrat and intelligence officer
Buzzer: aka Dick Blinken, Dreadnok who likes to play with chainsaws
Copperhead: operates the swamp vehicles
Destro: aka James McCullen Destro XXIV, field commander and supplier of arms and military hardware
Dr. Mindbender: scientist and master of mind control
Firefly: aka The Faceless Master, professional saboteur
Major Bludd: aka Sebastian Bludd, mercenary
Monkeywrench: aka Bill Winkie, Dreadnok who likes loud explosions, scared of big hairy spiders
Ripper: Dreadnok
Scrap Iron: anti-armor specialist
Serpentor: emperor
Storm Shadow: aka Thomas S. Arashikage, aka The Young Master, ninja
Thrasher: drives the Dreadnok's Thunder Machine
Tomax: one of the twin Crimson Guard Commanders, part-time business executive and part-time international terrorist
Torch: aka Tom Winken, Dreadnok who likes to play with fire
Wild Wiesel: Rattler pilot
Xamot: one of the twin Crimson Guard Commanders, part-time business executive and part-time international terrorist
Zandar: Zartan's brother
Zarana: Zartan's sister
Zartan: master of disguise, ruler of the Dreadnoks
Lady and Gentleman...
It gives me great pleasure to announce that
The Underwear Capital of the World is... drum roll please
Piqua, Ohio!
Oh wait, it's not anymore. Dang.
Apparently, Piqua used to be the Underwear Capital of the World. But the 18 productive undergarment factories all closed down and skipped town, and Piqua can't really claim the title anymore.
However... in order to honor their heritage, the people of Piqua have started a festival, the Great Outdoor Underwear Festival! It includes such crazy events as the Long John Parade, Undy 500, Drop Seat Trot, Bed Races and a Boxer Ball!
Oh wait, they've discontinued it. Dang.
Well, there's always Fort Payne, Alabama... Sock Capital of the World.
Or is that not good enough for you?
Nate suggests the Tarsier
Everyone knows the Tarsier is the smallest living primate, has a tail longer than its body, can easily fit snugly in the human hand, and is 36 million years old.
But Did You Know?
They are master leapers and expert hunters!
They have really big sharp needly teeth!
They grab birds in flight bigger than them and eat everything they catch whole, even like feathers and bones and things!
If an ape is the ancestor of a human, and a monkey is the ancestor of an ape, and a tarsier is the ancestor of a monkey, then the tarsier is your great-grandfather (presuming of course that you're human)!
Each of their eyes is bigger than their entire brain and larger than their stomach!
They can't move their eyes though, ha!, so they have to rotate their necks, which they can do nearly 360 degrees around!
The locals of Borneo thought this meant their heads could come off! Uh, Nope. Sorry!
Once again, an animal is named for an attribute of its foot! I would argue the tarsus bone in the foot isn't the tarsier's most distinguishing feature, but I'm apparently wrong!
They're a good example of something cute actually being something really vicious, and still cute!
Tarsiers drink regularly!
Some of them live in mangroves!
A tarsier may rub its face on branches to clean itself!
It will close its eyes when a predator comes near, then suddenly open them and bare its teeth to surprise and terrify the predator away!
All I can say is...
BRING IT ON!
Hey Henry, How is your day going?
What can I say? Things are moving along pretty diligently here on the U.S.S. Machiavelli. For breakfast this morning we dined with the great explorer Lowella Abner in her caravan crossing the Safaris of Africa. Over cucumber sandwiches, she spoke highly of her recent colorful excursions to the Antarctic and its myriad and daunting hiking trails. Apparently she's set up quite an elaborate scavenger hunt of sorts down there for anyone who's game. The winner, she says, will inherit her entire fortune. I might take her up on it if I'm ever that south and need an afternoon to kill. Mrs. Abner has graciously lent me her legendary map of the secret catacombs below San Diego, and I'm eager to see if Lord Ench is right about the giant diamond-eyed wombats. On our way back to the ship, we had a series of adventures, and dozens of amusing anecdotes had their source, to be cheerfully offered up in conversation amongst strangers and friends alike until the day we die. The lions of the area had been befriended and shared with us some of their stash of fine teas imported from Ireland. I dare say it appeared one of them had uncharacteristically learned to speak and wished to join our crew. I was about to shake his paw and welcome him aboard, but to my surprise, it was only a practical joke of Ricky's. We all laughed heartily; his comedic applications found for the shape-shifting elixir have yet to fail in the pursuit of our amusement. We set sail just after sunrise and found ourselves making excellent time. Our clocks and watches all had to be adjusted because we were much too quick for them. By 11:30 AM, I was in my flat in London, where we'd docked for a moment or two, and setting foot in my teleportation chamber, which sent me straight to my walk-in closet housed within an impenetrable glacier-carved castle in the deepest of Russia's ice caves. After some digging, I managed to find the sock I'd forgotten. A quick refreshing jog around Leicester Square was followed by some shopping in SoHo, and then I was back at the ship and we were on our way. By noon, we had already arrived in the ancient Himalayan temple of Nogradask, perched precariously atop the peak of Mt. Jerpha, where I was due to meet the reincarnated spirit of the sage Olmu. I wanted to try the new salad dressing he'd been developing. It was delicious and gave me the super-strength as promised. Olmu is doing well as a pygmy shrimp, and had no trouble at all with the idea of me enlisting his army of necromantic legionnaires to help defeat the Sinistro crime syndicate. I graciously accepted his divine scimitar, although I have no idea where I'll put it. We said our adieus, and sailed to Carpathia, where I had a couple of business deals to take care of. The Cider Swamps required a lot of derring-do, considering everything was rigged to explode with dynamite in less than 2 minutes, and the venomous tigers with snakes for teeth hadn't been fed in awhile. Not to mention the fact that I am now a werewolf, there's over a dozen assassins equipped with Dr. Vector's stolen invisibility technology hidden somewhere on board the ship, and I'm cursed with a rare condition that's only symptom so far is the rapacious and near constant need to eat nothing but lemon merengue at all times. So, yeah, not much going on around here. Pretty typical stuff.
Fun Facts about the Platypus:
At first they were dismissed as a hoax by the English!
They're a bunch of loners!
And they spend half the day eating!
One of their favorite foods is the "yabby", a crazy-looking crawfish whose scientific name is Cheerax destructor!
Platypi are the only venomous mammals in the world!
They've been on Earth 180 million years. Before that, who can say?!
The Australian aboriginas called them many things, including but not limited to: mallangong, boondaburra and tambreet!
Describing a platypus as "flat-footed" would be needlessly repetitive, since platypus means that!
Calling one a "duck-billed platypus" is also fool-hardy, because what platypus isn't?!
They make two noises. The first is like a puppy growl, the second is akin to the sound of a brooding hen!
Their bills are amazing and harness the power of electrical impulses to find food and secure gainful employment!
No external ear lobes!
Linky Time!
Join the Debate
Animals as Anthropomorphic Warriors
Brian sent me these must-see links:
Fly Guy - Explore the Sky
Ze Frank - Lots of stuff to check out if you're bored
This photograph on the cover of today's New York Times is of Thomas H. Kean, the chairman of the 9/11 panel.
Emily sagely asks the question, "why have they portrayed thomas h. kean as an angel?"
Why, indeed.
The Stop-Motion Animation How-to Page
Dragon in a Jar was Hoax to Sell Books ...lame-o.
Creatures In My Head: A creature a day.
Bert and Osama Bin Ladin. Classic.
Once upon a time ago, Henry and Kelly posed questions to one another and answered them.
Matt sent me this link to a gallery of photoshopped animals. To Matt, the pictures are really funny, and I can see that. But mostly, I feel somewhat disturbed. I can't help but think what it would be like to see those animals in real life, and this provokes a chill down my spine.
This hotel in Berlin has a number of crazy rooms, like this one with the Flying Bed. Click on the other numbers to tour the rooms.
Rumsfeld Fighting Technique - It's good to know.
Hooray for Chuck and Jenny!
The Right Piratey Society for Advancement of Swashbuckling
Daze of our Lives - Victorian Illustrations with Captions Intented to Provide Amusement
Some paintings I like:
Fernand Khnopff, "The Caress"
Correggio, "Jupiter and Io"
Io was a river goddess and a beautiful maiden that Jupiter fell in love with and decided to seduce, as he was wont to do. Now Jupiter liked to change his form, and this time, strangely enough, he thought he'd transform himself into a a big giant cloud blob thing. So as a big blob mass he embraced Io and proceeded to seduce, as he was wont to do.
Now Jupiter's wife the goddess Juno saw the big giant cloud enveloping the earth from up above and was not surprisingly suspicious. Jupiter was nowhere to be found, so she put two and two together. Down she went to investigate. Jupiter sensed her coming and changed Io quickly into a cow. He must have thought that was less conspicuous. I guess his idea was when Juno dropped in, he'd just be standing next to a cow, rather than a beautiful river goddess maiden person.
Well, it didn't work. Juno saw through it and decided to play a trick on him. She feigned ignorance and said "Oh what a beautiful cow!", and told him she would truly appreciate it as a gift. Jupiter couldn't deny his wife such a simple gift so he reluctantly had to hand Io over. Juno gave Io as a cow over to her henchman Argus, a god with a hundred eyes all over his body, and he watched her constantly. Jupiter became sad and frustrated. He wanted his Io. With Argus watching that wasn't going to happen. So he decided to deploy his own henchman, Mercury, to the scene. Mercury, as instructed by Jupiter, began to recite stories and sing songs in an attempt to lull the ever-vigilant Argus into sleep. He told a story about Pan, which I guess must have been pretty boring, because it worked. Argus fell asleep. Then Mercury killed him and set Io free.
When Juno found her loyal minion dead, she took all his eyes and stuck them on the peacock. Then she sent some stinging flies to harass Io. Now Io at this point was still a cow. And she was on the run from Juno's wrath AND Jupiter's advances. And she had stinging flies harassing her. It sucked to be Io. Anyway, eventually, Jupiter promised to no longer pursue Io, Juno released Io from her shape of a cow, and Io eventually settled in Egypt, becoming, according to legend, the first Queen of Egypt.
I've archived the first four of these. You can find them here:
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