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Zak Smith illustrated Gravity's Rainbow page-by-page
Mars is awesome; Mars is great
The Time Traveler Convention at MIT
Sound Practical Advice for You



You'll be pleased to know that McSweeney's has deemed the fourth of my rejected submissions as "tempting". Yes, the foremost literary humor internet mag is tempted by my work. I am a seductive temptress! Come to me, McSweeney's. You cannot resist my wiles.





Today's links stink of nostalgia
Square One TV clips
The Museum of Retrotechnology
The Minoan Civilization


Brennan did some great collage comics on his blog. If they are not clearly available, go here and here to view individually.


Here are the last 23 headers in case you missed them:

Welcome to the website that's...

"one half of the dynamic duo known as the 'Two Websites of Power'!"
"wishing you a happy life day!"
"just brimmin' with self-loathin'!"
"flat on its back in a gutter somewhere, wasted!"
"crazy in the coconuts!"
"a puking idle-headed skainsmate - either that or a cullionly toad-spotted lewdster!"
"now getting its vittles at the local chip-shop, what what!"
"What's Hot!"
"the polynumeric function systematic reference fully operational big black blob!"
"checking out the hook while your DJ revolves it!"
"thinking it's cool when it's noffett!"
"seen thee, Queen of Cheese!"
"dumb in a hundred different ways!"
"through being cool!"
"just a poor boy, nobody loves me!"
"the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!"
"for one, welcoming our new Inanimate Wheeled One-Armed Box overlords!"
"holding out for at hero 'till the end of the night!"
"got a hump like a snowhill!"
"Amore! Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling!..."
"a Steward of the Land!"
"where something happens and doo-doo-doodoo-doo!"
"been sent to prison by a military court for a crime it didn't commit, then promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground, and today is still wanted by the government, surviving as a soldier of fortune!"





Link-o-rink

Artist Joe Ledbetter
Family Triptychs 70s-90s
Animator Chris Harding


Oh The Lords! It's ANother POETRY BATTLE!>!>>!>!>>
This time I go so far too far and make it so that the combatants are ANONYMOSU! No one can tell whoe they are and itmakes them POWERFUL.

*******BEGIN COMBATEST!***

Note: Things between ~'s are compliments of the EDITOR.

~PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW~ introduces:

Hey Henry!

So ~IDENTITY OF PERSON WHO LIKES YELLOW COMPLETELY STRICKEN FROM ALL RECORD~ and I had a conversation about the color yellow. I don't like it... she loves it.
For some reason she ~OR EVEN POSSIBLY 'HE' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW~ decided to write me a poem about it....

~PERSON WHO LIKES YELLOW TO PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW~ said:

I'm listening to "Yellow," by Coldplay! :p
Yellow is a good color! Tis very bright & cheery. I think I'll write a poem about it!

~BEGIN POEM BY PERSON WHO LIKES YELLOW~

Yellow is the color
That makes me scream out, "Yay!"
Yellow is the shade
That brightens up the day.

Yellow paints the star
That brings our planet life.
Yellow kisses flowers
A man gives to his wife.

Yellow for bananas
Which are so very sweet.
Yellow for the lemons
Which are a sour treat.

Yellow on the wings
Of dainty butterflies.
Yellow in the glow
Of dusky evening skies.

Yellow on the post-it notes
That help me to remember.
Yellow in the leaves and grass
That backdrop crisp November.

I now defy you, ~IDENTITY OF PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW COMPLETELY STRICKEN FROM ALL RECORD~
To hate the color yellow.
If you can still do it,
You're quite the stubborn fellow.

:p
:-* *kiss*

~IDENTITY OF PERSON WHO LIKES YELLOW COMPLETELY STRICKEN FROM ALL RECORD~

~END POEM BY PERSON WHO LIKES YELLOW~

~PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW~ answers challenge:

And I followed up with a response.

~BEGIN POEM BY PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW~

Yellow is the color
Of big piles of hay
and the yolks of eggs
and butter (Parkay!)

Big Bird is Yellow.
So is Ernie's pal Bert.
And the family Simpsons.
Plus a Terror Alert.

But your eyes, if they're yellow
You've got jaundice, oh my!
It's the name of a fever,
If you get you could die.

Why not yellow in clothing?
Mine's as good as your guess is.
You'll seldom see yellow
be used in wedding dresses.

Of course Urine is yellow,
As is Bile when it's seen.
I think Kermit was right,
Just add blue and get green.

No I do not like Yellow,
It's too happy and gay.
Please don't hold it against me,
Though 'Orange' is okay.

~END POEM BY PERSON WHO DOES NOT LIKE YELLOW~

**END COMBATEST!***************


I don't know who won but it's a glorious thing to see such warriors at their best. True combatmanship.





The same links everyone else is looking at... STRAIGHT TO YOU

And now a random fact about Vin Diesel
Classics Alive: the Time Machine
Eyelash Creatures





Living up to its name...

  • Mr. Phil Hartman, your absence is still felt.
  • You can't stop me from being an Anglocentric monolinguist (okay, maybe you can).
  • I don't think I've watched a new episode of the Simpsons since 1998.
  • Truly, the most "hip" part of the body is the hip.
  • Should I try and listen to more David Bowie?
  • We have found that airborne extraterrestrials should not deter you from opening the windows in your home to air it out.
  • I got more fizz than Cokes. When I do my thing, it seriously evokes, the might of the ancient oaks.
  • Yoda, just put down the laserblade. It's going to be okay. Just put it down. Breathe. Breathe. Everything's cool. You're going to be okay.
  • My new novel will be entitled "The Coroner's Retort".


    Guess-the-google Game
    Simpsons music mp3s
    Richard Sala


    When I was a kid, I collected pencil sharpeners. But I always held secret aspirations to one day collect doorknobs.


    One thing you realize with the Internet is just how not special you are.


    My new favorite bird
    Text Generator
    StoryCode




    More info on Lord Ganesha

  • Ganesha is worshipped the most because he can be invoked whenever one needs to undertake any sort of venture. Since the average human undertakes ventures fifty million times a day as part of their everyday life, this adds up to a lot of adoration. Besides obstacles and wisdom, he's also the god of doors.
  • His brother is Karttikeya, god of war. He has six heads and rides around on a peacock.
  • Ganesha goes by many names. Very loosely translated into English, they are:

            Curvy Trunk
            Mr. One-Tusked
            Huge Auspicious Ears
            Elephant-Face
            The Bodiless One
            Big Belly
            Smart Guy
            He Who Is So Awesome Nobody Anywhere Is Better Than Him
            Whose Kid Is This?! (This is what his dad said upon first sight of him and it stuck - he's still known as that)

  • Mooshika, Ganesha's mouse-mobile, represents darkness, thus Ganesha is a 'Master of Darkness'. Mooshika also symbolizes the sense of smell. As far as I'm concerned, that makes Ganesha 'Master of Smelling'.
  • It is said that his father Shiva keeps a horde of evil imp creatures called Ganas with him at all times. They act as his honour guard and protect him. Well, one day Ganesha totally took them all out in combat, and Shiva, impressed, made him Master of the Ganas. He's like General of this army of little demons. Awesome.
  • In 1995, all around the world statues of Ganesha began to spontaneously drink milk when a spoonful was placed near his mouth. This miracle is attributed to his playful nature.
  • I don't mean any disrespect to Ganesha or those who worship him. I think he's great. This is my way of paying tribute to him.


    Awesome ideas

    Awesome idea for a sesame street sketch:
    "I'll have an ice cream a la mode, please"

    Awesome idea for a band name:
    "The Maggotones"

    Awesome idea for a saturday morning cartoon:
    "Hero-bot vs. the Villainoids"

    Awesome idea for a 3D animated kids film:
    "In an imaginary city populated entirely by birds, two detectives compete to see who is the greatest sleuth"

    Awesome idea for a movie:
    "Vicious extraterrestrials invade during the Renaissance"

    Awesome idea for a TV sitcom:
    "A regular guy frees a magic flying frog from a soup can; the two become roommates"

    Awesome idea for a video game:
    "A command & conquer style strategy game taking place below the Earth's crust, featuring gnomes, Lava Men, marauding mole people, and various earth & fire creatures; the ultimate goal is to reach the Core"

    Awesome idea for a sci-fi alien:
    "When they die they turn into ghosts, but it's actually just another part of their life cycle"

    Awesome idea for eating twizzlers:
    "Don't let the size of the bag intimidate you; just keep on going"


    The Darth Side, Darth Vader's blog
    Artoonist Alison Cardinale
    Match wits with Professor De La Extraordinaire!





    How best to thwart an artichoke?

    Artichokes are arboreal which means they hide in trees. Learn to hide in trees yourself. This will put you in the shadows next to them. The shadows next to them are an excellent place to deliver a fatal blow or strike to their necks. There's a rule that every living thing has a weak neck. Look it up. Artichokes, as a rule, are exceptions to the rule in almost every case, but in this case, they are an exception. Or not an exception. Whichever. Go for the neck. There are classes on learning how to hide in trees to situate yourself in the shadows next to them to deliver the neck strikes. After you take those courses, you can graduate to the ones on how to spread diseases. This isn't an artichoke-thwarting technique, by any means. I just like to support continuing education. You're never too old to learn something new. Branch out. Your personal growth doesn't stop with a dead artichoke.

    If you have a diplomatic skill, use it. Develop a relationship, steamy or otherwise, with an underling that has access to pertinent information that could lead to the thwarting of an artichoke. Manipulate these subordinates, or just ask them directly for the information. People are like puppets. They will sit around and do nothing and never speak until you make them. After you've got what you want from them, turn them around and use them in performance pieces. If your audience likes what you do, you can be promoted. The higher you go, the more likely you are to get too "important" for the artichoke, so be careful. With diplomacy, you can befriend ambassadors. Ambassadors are good friends to have as they will play skip rope with you and jacks. They know about the political ins-and-outs of the bicameral committee. You don't have to know what that means right now. Let the ambassadors guide you through the mysterious jungle that is international intrigue. Artichokes are easily thwarted by this means because they least suspect it.

    A third option is to step out boldly onto path or passageways that the artichoke is expected to cross. Any time is fine, but the most opportune moment is when the artichoke is within 500 yards and heading in your direction. If the artichoke has already passed you, it might be best to wait until the next artichoke, which can take anywhere between 4 hours and 19 days to happen. Once you step out onto the path or passageway, it is best to proclaim the following out loud or in whisper: "Stand and deliver. Using your mobile phone, dial this number. Wait for my instructions." DO NOT under any circumstances provide a phone number for the artichoke to call. If the artichoke lacks a mobile phone (less rare these days than it used to be), present it with one, only do so with a well-practiced flourish, the kind that might be done by a suave jovial fellow with a lot of style. The artichoke will have the number and will make the call and expect your instructions. At this point, with both legs do a lunging kick to its abdomen. Knock the wind out of it. Stomp twice. Run to a car and hijack. Force it to defy gravity and make way to the Earth's ulterior core. Form a band and make a whole lotta moolah. Toss it all up to divine luck. Become a Buddhist nudist and sing "Hey, diddly hey hey". Results in at least three thwarted artichokes.


    Truly shocking: Cloned Pigs... ACT LIKE REAL PIGS.

    But don't worry, this article disputes it.

    Everything's cool... chill, chill.

    UPDATE: Dan is smarter than me. He figured out that the two articles don't actually dispute one another. He wins!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    In the journal Science, they have this to say about NASA's roving robots and their possible discovery of life on Mars:

    “Inanimate, wheeled, one-armed boxes roaming another planet have done something no human has ever managed. They have discovered another place in the universe where life could once have existed.”

    They're comparing us to Inanimate Wheeled One-Armed Boxes, and the IWOABs have come out on top? What does this mean? I know whose team I prefer to be on... the winning one.

    UPDATE: This team now includes Dan (see above).

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Also~
    Bread, this guy says it's bad
    The Naked Cosmos, a crazy kids show
    Wondir, ask & answer
    Jokes With Realistic Endings, har
    Ghyll, this is so cool




    French comic about the fictional adventures of the real-life inspiration behind Sherlock Holmes. It looks like something I'd like.


    To Rule the Earth
    Ojingogo web comic
    Odd Visions and Sensations
    A Perfect place for a Moon Base


    Amazing Facts of Our Day

  • The 10th planet is known as Sedna. The size of Pluto, it is covered in a red sludge the consistency of tar.

  • Pigs grow bigger based on temperature. Just remember: the cooler the pig, the fatter the pig!

  • The fossil remains of a Microraptor were recently discovered. It's the first dinosaur ever to have four wings!

  • Alas, the 118th element was not to be. Scientists thought they had discovered ununoctium, but later realized it doesn't actually exist.

  • One group of researchers think that extraterrestrial organisms are responsible for flu epidemics. Yikes!

  • Much of the Earth is fluid. I'm not talking about the water on the surface. I'm talking about the inside.

  • Only about 540 volcanoes have been on record for erupting. Not that many, if you think about it.

  • The ancestors of the dolphin were known as the Mesonychid condylarth. They were hoofed, lived on land, and looked a heck of a lot like wolves.

  • So many animals eat stones (ostriches, crocodiles, etc.) that they have a term for it: geophagy. The stones, called "gastroliths", usually aid the animal in digestion and sometimes flotation.


    The Writer At Work - A Series of Seven Authors, a comic of comparative literature

    World Jump Day - From the J.T.

    HTTP in tha House - Turns a web page into the lyrics of a rap

    MP3 of a "mash-up" of cover songs of Bohemian Rhapsody - I just think this is seriously hilarious, gets better as it goes (From here)

    Special Jots Exclusive!
    Latvian Lawyers - From H. via C.... "Um, what? ... The various attorney bios are funny enough; the home page is jaw-dropping. Lawyers are like planes!"


    Henry,

    PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS THEY ARE FOR AN IMPORTANT STUDY THAT AFFECTS THE WORLD

    How's the weather up there?
    What's your favorite color purple?
    Who are you going to be tonight?
    What's that dance you're doing?
    Where's the cafeteria?
    How's that foot?
    What's your favorite way to turn?


    Now, the last time Brennan asked me questions I answered with a song. Today, I shall answer with a thesaurus.

    How's the weather up there?
    The ambience in this vicinity is that of a primeval hinterland , thank you for asking. The word bosky means consisting of thickets; bushy. I guess you could say things are rather bosky up here.

    What's your favorite color purple?
    That would be murrey. That is to say, a grayish to dark purple. It is also known as mulberry. Hey, did you know that 'empurple' is a real word? Of course it means to make something purple. Example: "His nose was empurpled by the artist's brush, making him look quite the dipsomaniac." Fun: A dipsomaniac is a boozer!

    Who are you going to be tonight?
    At the onset of gloaming, I will retire to a sequestered antechamber. There I will don the raiment of a pulpitarian, spout an impassioned homily to a fictive congregation interpolated between the coverlets upon my bed, and finally quaff heartily from a tincture of wormwood. (Glossary: absinthe n.: a tincture of wormwood) Yes, you guessed it, I will be a mad, drugged-up priest.

    What's that dance you're doing?
    A gambol is a playful skipping or frolicking about. It can also be a verb. I myself have a gamboling problem. I am quite the gamboler (Note: this last word is my own lexical invention, transmogrified by my bold suffixation.) Technically, however, what I am doing at the moment is called a 'shimmy'.

    Where's the cafeteria?
    In a septentrional direction, my confrere. (i.e. North)

    How's that foot?
    My hoof is quite gamy with fetor most foul. We are beyond frowsy at this point. Mephitic is too tame to describe it. I think we have entered the domain of the pestilential.

    What's your favorite way to turn?
    Velociously.




    J.R. thinks this photo looks a little Dr. Seussish. It's from the site, Life Before Radar


    Draw a pig :: And then get analyzed. It's dumb

    Google GlobeTrotting :: Examples of cool things you can check out. This is what the aliens in their U.F.O.'s mostly see of us.

    Etch-a-sketch Emulator :: They screwed up. How hard is it to make an animation of the etch-a-sketch getting all shook up when you clear the screen?

    An informative article on umbrellas :: They have a sordid history.

    The video work of Prangstgrup :: The Lecture Musical is entertaining.




    I love Ganesha. He's really the best god. And apparently I'm not alone in my thinking. He's the most popular and well-loved of all the gods. And most people are Hindus, right? So that's some major loving heading his way. He deserves it.

  • Did you know that he didn't always have an elephant head?

    Reports vary, as they often do, but basically he was born normal as a baby but got his head blown off. Shiva tried to retrieve his head but found an elephant's instead and stuck it back on there. It was a cruel twist of fate for the guy but I think he's done pretty well for himself, despite the whole having-the-head-of-an-elephant setback.



  • Also, he rides around on a giant shrew named Mooshika. How cool is that?

  • I found this quote here, and I just happen to like it and want to share:

    "[Ganesha's] pot-belly symbolizes a pitcher full of prosperity, a sort of abdominal cornucopia."

    I think I got me one of them abdominal cornucopias.


    Little India

    The Weird World of Jimmy Olsen

    Shipwreck Central


        

    The eccentric G.K. Chesterton was once quoted making the following magnanimous statement :

    "Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

    He himself wrote a sonnet to the English waxy blue cheese known as the Stilton.

    Perhaps Gilbert was unaware of the Scottish Canadian poet James McIntyre, who was actually known as "The Cheese Poet".



    His brilliant...
    Ode on the Mammoth Cheese Weighing over 7,000 pounds
    ...is about as good as it gets. You just simply don't do better. In this life or any other. God wouldn't permit it.


    The Phrontistery: Obscure Words and Vocabulary Resources
    The World Wide Panorama: A VR-Photography Event
    Parody covers of Choose Your Own Adventure books; Warning: Almost every one of them derives from a vapid deficient mind





    Dear Mr. Jotters,

    I have a question for your editors. Am I a real person? Do I exist or did you just make me up for the purposes of your blog? Please let me know ASAP!

    Thanks,
    Brennan


        You're real. The reason I know this is because I have a birth certificate for a an individual with the unlikely name of Sacramento Sports and it is personally autographed by a celebrity golfer from the mid 1970s named Pat Niktar. Pat writes in black ball-point across the top: "To Yolanda, With Gratuitous Love, Pat... P.S. Give Roger Hungerson my Reegards (sic)".
        Now, there has never been a person named Yolanda. However, the name Roger Hungerson is an anagram for Guros Greenhorn, the Russian-born arsonist made semi-famous for his erroneous spelling of the word "harbinger" on page 108 of Ms. Tomma Shaspatt's Bible. Known to anyone who considers themselves of Greek nationality, Shaspatt was Greenhorn's neighbor and pornography supplier. Few realize she also went by the code-name "Anathema" during her stint as an informer for the Federal Bureau of Credentials. There is some evidence to suggest that she and soap actress Annie Theme are one and the same person. If that's the case then it goes without saying that the actor that plays her doctor on "Two Nights 'Til Thursday" is also her doctor in real life, a mysterious full-chested man known only as UuuuGuuuuu, who is described in a book by Stanley Creech as a "respectable nobody".
        Stanley Creech knows his nobodies because he studied "nobodiology" at the University of Space Station X, the very first academic institution in lunar orbit (or facsimile thereof, i.e. an apartment furnished with sci-fi decor next to a Denny's). Nobodiologists predict that there are only five types of nobodies: respectable, clandestine, and three more known collectively as the Unmentionables because to name them is an act of murder/suicide, which in itself is considered heretical, at least in modern times, under the edicts of the Church of Smoosch.
        The Smoosch religion continues to be a governing force for the Thammiel family of Palmgrove, Elementary. To the Thammiels, all food must first be buried in soil dampened with salt water, exhumed by carefully manicured elders, and finally laminated with a sugar by-product before consumption. The children always eat first. No rituals are necessary during eating, but if a fork is used, it had better be tapped three times on the table before each bite. Billy Thammuel grew up thinking that his mother slept with a stork to produce him. Also, that God hates his ears and that's why they won't work. And that all pork products are the result of demon fornication. All this from Smoosch.
        Epilogue... Not only have I confirmed your existence, Brennan, but I have also proven my own, as well as that one guy's. (He just popped his head in a second ago and left; that's why I mention him.) You're welcome in Chapp County. Any time.


    From Darkness :: i am fond of the animated retelling of an inuit legend

    They fight crime! :: crimefighting-duo generator will entertain you for a few hours

    25 favorite Sesame Street moments :: yip yip yip yip yip yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh!


    Kelly writes:

    correction/addition to the phobos & deimos post: what kelly's students like about phobos & deimos is that they look like potatoes. this amuses them to no end. though, to be perfectly honest, phobos and deimos are no longer hot as my students are now onto other things like yoga postures and singing new words to the tune "you put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up" accompanied by a particular dance.

    oh yes, and they're really into the word "omphaloskepsis." i must admit that that's my fault. One day, one of them was sitting on the floor with her friend and lifted up her shirt a bit and confided to her friend that she likes to look at her bellybutton and think about it. I told them that there was a word for that. They immediately dug it. A few of them are also into linking arms and singing, "Ay, ay, ay, ay/ My name is Pizza/ Or maybe it is Spaghettii/ But I think it's Pizza."      *


    * This is a song that Henry made up as a kid and loved to sing over and over.


    Update from Kelly: Well, the song has taken a new form as of today. Now the whole class sings, "Ay, ay, ay,ay/ My name is Pizza/ Or maybe it is Spaghetti/ But I think it's Pizza/ 'Cause I live in a bowl of confetti!"





    Hi Random Things,

        My question to you is threefold. Is Rasputin dead?

    Thank you,

    Aubrey Montague


        Rasputin (aka Greg, The Mad Monk, Raspy, The Rasp) did not die. He is currently living in Britain, somewhere in the region of that country known as the British Isles. He has since been knighted. What has he been doing all this time, you ask? He's written numerous books and novels. The screenplay to the movie Serpico with Al Pacino was penned by him. In fact, Al Pacino is his identical twin. Sir Rasputin was also one of the first American presidents. He was after Franklin but before Monroe. In fact, Ben Franklin was also his identical twin. I recall a book that was written about Rasputin that claims that he has been, throughout his long life, quite often secretly one of triplets, rather than twins. History records numerous individuals as his twins. The author of the book suggests looking closer than History allows. Whenever Rasputin has had a twin, there is, the author argues, actually a third identical sibling that stays anonymous. In the book, each episode of his life is analyzed to ascertain the identity of each mystery triplet. The findings are surprising, if not downright bone-chilling, to say the least.
        Rasputin's most famous latter-day work is perhaps his one-man Civil War reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. The most incredible aspect of the feat besides his reenacting it all by himself without aid of any clothing was the fact that he did it while the battle was going on concurrently. Rasputin was one of the first to make a mark in the field of "reactioneering", which, as I understand it, is a "process of creating something in reaction to something at precisely the moment that that something is being created, or something".
        Rasputin is not a magician and never will be. He has been quoted by newspapers as saying that he wants his tombstone to read "No Magic Here". He may have been being facetious, however, when he said it. Rasputin is nothing if not facetious. I hope personally that he never gets a tombstone because I don't want him to die. Will he live forever? I wouldn't put it past The Rasp.





    Artist Amanda Visell is the proprietor behind The Girls Productions. The eldest of the two senior Stokes brothers has conveyed to me personally his desire to possess one of her works for display on one of his walls.

    A close associate of mine from the Pelican State, whose name I have the pleasure of not divulging, has recommended this book. It is available at the most in-favor internet book-seller. Do peruse the droll contents of the sounding board located neath the bibliographical proper.

    I haven't read this article but the first sentence indicates to me that it is about a man who wants himself turned into a shark. The lengths some people will go for glory should come as no surprise, certainly not to myself. Just last year I arranged to be turned into a vole so as to sneak into the Louvre at night. A word of advice for those interested in duplicating my endeavor: Voles have difficulty carrying any sort of fine art.





    A number of my readers (And yes, zero is a number) have asked me what I happen to think is Hot and Not. Here are my answers to that day-old question(s).

    What's Hot?

    1. Contact Juggling with fire
    2. Montgomery Clift
    3. Embedding currency with holograms

    What's Not?

    1. Niagra Falls
    2. Cricket
    3. Lara Croft


    I get a lot of fan mail here. Most of it is from one person, and that person is not real, but it's a lot. And it fills up my mail box - the postman is sick of me! But, I have to say, I love it. Here's a letter from a fan. A "real" fan, not a made up fan. He is someone I am friends with and wouldn't probably read my web site nor send me feedback of any kind if he didn't know me. But is that even relevant? It's not, okay? Let the man be a fan!


    To Whom it May Concern,
    (or Mr. Jots Proprietor)

    I am writing in regard to your April 4th edition of "Random Things I Write Down" because I would like to inform you of several ommissions and errors.

    First of all, what you have sold to the public as two lists is actually TEN lists. How are we supposed to trust the media if they try to confuse us with extra lists all the time? It would be like if I went to the doctor and told him my feet AND my ears were hurting. What? (ps-if you don't believe me about the extra lists, count how many times you used the number "1") How many?

    Secondly, you left these off your list of what's hot:

    soda juice
    crackers
    bicycles
    fire
    lady shoes

    Third of all, you neglected to mention the following in what's not:

    balloon

    And fourthly, what is insomnia? I think it would be good if you let the public know before you told them not to buy it.

    And fifth, thanks for your hard work. Good luck with the other thing.


    Let's take a dip into the Linkwell

    In the future, we will clean our teeth with light.
    Paintings and sculptures by Brendan Monroe.
    Now they are saying that black holes do not exist.
    The History of Insects, written in 1813, is a book for children that is in fact not a history of insects (unless a reference to the fact that God made them counts), but rather a catalog of them, with many illustrating engravings. On the Not Hot insects known as the Deathwatch, they have this to say:

    "The Deathwatch, of which there are two kinds, is an insect famous for a ticking noise, like a watch, which superstitious people take for a presage of death, in the family where it is heard."

    Note: I believe the reason there are two kinds is because one is a beetle and one is a louse. They happen to have the same name.


    I polled a number of people with the pressing question(s) of our day and this is what I got.

    What's Hot?

    1. sun
    2. fire
    3. ra

    1. Sony PSP, iPod peripherals, and other stuff I want
    2. Female Co-workers (it must be spring time...)
    3. Corzo Silver tequila

    1. Transfolders: Papers in Disguise
    2. Jersey Cows
    3. Backflips

    1. Refinancing
    2. Deathwatches
    3. Baking Bread

    1. Griddle Cakes
    2. Whirlwind
    3. Man-oh-tee


    What's Not?

    1. cardamon
    2. geezers
    3. potholders made from sock loops

    1. The media / governmental/ religious hype over Terry Schaivo (and her parents selling names of donors to direct-mailing firm)
    2. Insomnia
    3. PBS selling out.

    1. Cheerleaders
    2. Penguins
    3. Carrot Juice

    1. MTV
    2. Poisonous baby food
    3. Lies

    1. Bummer
    2. Water down
    3. Insects and Grubs


    You heard it hear first, folks. It feels good to categorize.





    Excellent Illustrator, Mr. Stephan Britt

    Bolster your Skepticism, Amazing, but True Facts

    "Ellie the Electron was walking down the road", Turning quantum physics into children's stories


    Kelly's first grade class is obsessed with Phobos and Deimos, the moons of Mars. They like to chant "Phobos and Deimos! Phobos and Deimos!" and I don't blame them. Here are some facts about those insane moons :

  • They are each only about 8 miles wide.
  • Which means they were probably just asteroids that got trapped by Mars into orbiting it.
  • Know Phobos by its many craters, especially the one big one (named "Stickney") with all the grooves coming from it.
  • Know Deimos by its fine dust and big boulders.
  • Phobos and Deimos may someday be useful as "space stations" from which to study Mars or as intermediate stops to and from the Martian surface. (source)
  • They were named after the sons of Ares, who were gods of panic and fear. Aaaaaaaaah!
  • Phobos and Deimos! Phobos and Deimos!


    Three Links to Rule You All:

    PostSecret - sent-in postcards of people's secrets

    Robot Dog commercial (mov) from long ago - my personal favorite part is the jingle where they say he "looks kinda crazy"

    Shakespearean Insulter - a jurassic but a classic


    Finally, a Robot Update...

    Before we begin, a few words on where we stand on the issue.
    For the record I believe...
  • Robots are overplayed.
  • There is still, however, something kind of funny about them, or maybe it's just the word robot.
  • Finding photos of robots online is a remedy for malaise.
  • Kids are awesome when they dress up as them for Halloween.
  • Androids will never be a part of our daily lives, this I predict.

    Now on with the photo show...

        

        

      


    I hope you enjoyed these robots.




    The puppeteers behind Swazzle are my brother Brian's friends, and I've met them, and they are good people of talent and nessitution. Their behind-the-scenes stuff is awesome. I wish I was part of their team.

    Somebody out there "blogged" about them, so I thought I'd "blog" about 'em too.


    Random Things

    I think I've reached the phase where I am more amused by referring to food as vittles than as comestibles.

    Have you heard of Contact Juggling, where balls are rolled over the hands and body instead of tossing them in the air?

    If you spell it confidante, it's a woman, and confidant, it's a man. Who knew?

    These are some good short stories:
    Space-time for Springers
    Surplus & Darger 1: The Dog Said Bow-Wow
    S & D 2: The Little Cat Laughed to See Such Sport
    Study in Emerald

    It's like this see, three guys doing some comics

    John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

  • Many thought Puck from 'Midsummer Night's Dream' was the Devil. If you speak of the devil, you summon him. That's why they called him Puck, Robin Goodfellow, Hobgoblin, and other code-names.
  • Puck was a woodwose, which is a hairy wildman of the woods. It's like a Medieval version of Sasquatch.
  • Puck's traditional laugh was Ho ho ho! This is probably why Santa Claus does that. Both are elves.
  • If both Puck and Santa Claus are elves that say Ho ho ho and Puck is the Devil, then Santa Claus is the Devil too.
  • If you rearrange the letters in the word devil, you get elv, as in elves. Now put back in the 'd' and the 'i', mix it all up, and what do you get?... devil, as in The Devil!
  • Look closely at the words Santa Claus and Sasquatch. Would it help if I spelled it Sansclautch?!
  • I'm not trying to scare you, but be afraid.

    Speaking of the Devil: The Cryptid Zoo.


    TODAY'S ZOOLOGICAL REPORT



    Begrudgingly, we humans must admit that the arthropods are the most successful organisms on earth. When 80% of animals have exoskeletons, what are you going to say? They completely own us.

    I say, if you can't beat them, join them. I have decided to arthropomorphize myself. I prefer my new post-larval segmented chitinous body and jointed legs. You should try molting some time. It's divine.




    Of the arthropods, the insects are the fliers. The birds possess that ability, of course, as do the mammals with their all-star players, the bats. But what about reptiles and amphibians? Sure, the pterosaurs were pretty sweet in their day, but they're gone. Isn't it pathetic that we had to make up mythological stories of flying lizards just to make up for their shortcomings? And I'm sorry but the ability to glide does not count. Cold-bloods, get with the program! The sky is the limit. (Turtles, you are an exception to the rule. You've done nothing wrong. You're perfect. And I love you.)


    Links Because You Love Them
    My Favorite Word
    Amaztype
    Nostradamus Quatrain Generator
    Origin of 'toady'






    Gibbons are not monkeys.




  • Video for the Decemberists' "16 military wives". When the Revolution comes, Henry is the first up against the wall. Perhaps I should investigate these "Decemberists" further.
  • Everyone's talking about "Death Rock" these days, so I might as well too.
  • The triumphant return of Pirates and Pioneers! (this is a repost)
  • Fan soundtrack to Sound of Music called "Rolf is a Nazi"
  • There are so many of these bad comic book covers. I think there's like 300.


    HOORAY FOR TODAY



    Today, March 25th, is my personal holiday that I, for lack of a better name, call Life Day.

    I celebrate it every year, just like the Wookiees do.

    Happy Birthday to Henry II, Frank Oz and the chicken "Chicken Kentucky", who has the distinction of being the first partial birth in space.


    This year the official animal of Life Day is the octopus.
    It truly is the superhero of the deep.

        
    We also honor on this day the precious few who have been inspired to adopt the semblance of the octopus to fight crime.

        
    And what the hey, we'll even extend our appreciation to those who clearly do no such thing.


    A silly man with no teeth, this year's selection of Life Day heraldry.


    And I can't forget Ludo. He deserves a nod.


    Have a Happy Life Day!
    Thanks for celebrating it with me!


  • The work of James Cobb, an artist of my acquaintance, who I think is pretty darn good.
  • A gallery of smuggling paintings into museums
  • I am very excited that this information is finally divulged
  • The official animal of this year's Life Day never ceases to amaze. It likes to disguise itself as a coconut and sneak away on two legs like a cartoon character.
  • A new discovery: soft tissue on T-Rex remains
  • Vampire bats have evolved their own form of running
  • Pretty good flash video by high school kid for They Might Be Giants' educational song Blood Mobile made for a museum exhibit




    Photographs for desktop wallpapers give illusion of transparent screens
    A possible case of scientific skullduggery makes me mad
    A most useful resource for things victorian, such as when you need to granny the puckerings of a flue faker, moucher, or dollymop


    Here are the last 23 headers in case you missed them:

    Welcome to the website that's...

    "Chelsea Clinton's homepage, or at least it aspires to be!"
    "gotta be kidding me!"
    "the diseased goat offering to Satan that was soundly dismissed by the Dark Prince and now I'm royally screwed!"
    "too ill to prosecute the great Oom!"
    "deliberately wasting your time!"
    "brainwashed by the liberal media into thinking the use of any form of undergarment for its intended purpose is 'hip' and 'cool'!"
    "bedfellows with the proletariat!"
    "aware of the fact that it's your hero; also, everything you would like to be; furthermore, it knows that you can fly higher than an eagle, for it is the wind beneath your wings!"
    "all about the reality!"
    "for jokes without number!"
    "goin' around breaking young girls' hearts!"
    "the 'jottings' of a certain Henry "Bacon Thumbs" Stokes (nickname completely fabricated for this occasion)!"
    "the place where other websites go to die!"
    "Miss Thang, but you sho' ain't!"
    "living, and I mean really LIVING - how many of you can say you've done that?!"
    "going forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"
    "Schrodinger's Catnip!"
    "only got eyes for you!"
    "been unwittingly set as the home page by some old lady surfing in Delaware!"
    "realizing the importance of sleeves!"
    "giving you the most abstruse cryptogram!"
    "got your horse right here!"
    "also thinking of taking some free popping and locking classes!"


    You can make your own comic here, but I don't know if it works.
    The rap song Fett's Vette by McChris, but I don't know if I actually like it.
    Here's vocabulary tips on How to Speak 19th Century, but, well, there is no 'but'; it's pretty cool.
    Check out Universal Towels, but look closer, it's not really a site that's selling towels.


    Finally, a mysterious entity suggests a listen to the The Transformers Theme, citing it as "the greatest track ever recorded, and I believe posterity will back me up on this". Not only will posterity back you up, Mr. Mystery, but so will I!!




    This music video illustrates how you got served by the Decepticon B-boy known as Soundwave. Special note to Colin: Wait around a bit and Soundwave's little cassette pal shows up, and the two of them break-dance in front of a scrolling flat background that I think you'll remember fondly. Also, your name is in the url. Enjoy España!


    Things You Too Can Learn On This Day:

  • Beyond the planet Pluto is a place known as the Kuiper Cliff. All of the ice rocks just stop after this one point, and no one knows why. It's a mystery that won't be solved until at least 2015 when one of our probes can get out there and take a look.
  • Foxes are really easy to tame.
  • Emperor Nero liked to employ an emerald lens to view gladiatorial games. It didn't exactly improve his vision, but it did become a fad, with many Romans following suit with their own gem lenses.
  • Charles VI of France believed he was made of glass.
  • Being 'berserk' originally just meant you weren't wearing a shirt.
  • Consider yourself a lava-lover? Look no further than Io. The moon of Jupiter has the most volcanic action of any place ANYWHERE.
  • Did you know that our Old World ancestors didn't experience the joys of the potato until the mid-16th century at the latest? For thousands of years, the Incas of Peru cultivated the secret potato. They used it for medicine and to tell time. They even worshipped potato deities. Their Spanish conquerors were unimpressed with their secret, however, referring to it as an "edible stone". The British in turn stole some from their enemies, the Spanish, and sequestered themselves some taters for the trip back to Europe, where it oddly enough, did not become as hugely popular as you'd expect. Ireland was the first to recognize its greatness, and later Germany, then France, then the rest of Europe, and then finally, America. The story is actually somewhat bizarre. Originally the potato in Europe was the emergency food of the poor and lower classes, and no one else ate it. Queen Elizabeth rejected it, the Scottish thought it unholy, and many held the belief it was poisonous and a cause of leprosy. One day a French man realized its incredible virtues and wrote a thesis praising its merits. He also started throwing lavish potato parties, used Marie Antoinette to promote it as a fashion accessory, and hoodwinked the peasants into growing it all over France. Soon it was on the menu everywhere and considered a status symbol by the upper classes. With France pro-potato, the rest of Europe soon followed. Even the Scots got on board. The new America, with its serious French obsession, was only too happy to adopt the fad. And the potato was brought back to the Western Hemisphere, the hemisphere of its birth, as a European delicacy.

    For more fun facts about potatoes, go here.


    Online Video Game Atlas
    Five Questions to Verify if an Entity is a Robot
    Comic artist Dan James
    Chocolate Deities
    Alex Ross did the painting for the box of the new action figure for Super Grover


        
    Let it not be said: Robots can drum, and they can lift a backpack.


    This is a real death metal band called Stovokor.
    The best ever death metal band out of Portland.
    Check out the group photo.
    They come from across the void.
    They are armed with metal forged in the lava of Kri'stak.

    Also:
    The Beatles' Story in Comics
    Plot-o-matic
    His Essence
    Spiderman Bible Stories
    Tales of Future Past




    More Quotes by the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE, Mr. William Sherlock Scott Holmes!

    "There can be no question, my dear Watson, of the value of exercise before breakfast."

    "To the man who loves art for its own sake, it is frequently in its least important and lowliest manifestations that the keenest pleasure is to be derived."

    "Well, Watson, we seem to have fallen upon evil days."

    "If you approach me, Watson, I shall order you out of the house."

    "Indeed, I cannot think why the whole bed of the ocean is not one solid mass of oysters, so prolific the creatures seem."

    "Malingering is a subject upon which I have sometimes thought of writing a monograph."

    "There's blackmail in it, or I am much mistaken."

    "I hardly looked at his face. His knees were what I wished to see."

    "Dear me! What a chorus of groans, cries and bleatings! What a rag-bag of singular happenings! . . . Bleat, Watson, unmitigated bleat!"

    "I am familiar with forty-two different impressions left by tires."

    "My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation."


    SOME LINKS WITH PICTURES

    I found out recently that my cousin Peter is the bassist in a band and they got asked to play at South by Southwest here in Austin. They sound pretty good. I'll be seeing their show Friday night. The name of his band is the rather apt :     COUSIN


    This isn't a photo associated with the band. I just found it online. It would make a good cd cover for them though, no?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Scribbler takes your drawing and makes a new drawing with it.


    This image also has no relation to the link above. I just like snow monkeys.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    According to a recent Harvard study, people give more to charity if they are being watched by robots!!!


    Let's all watch the robots before they watch us and manipulate us into providing for the needy.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    An upcoming game Spore looks cool. You get to draw in what you want your race of creatures to look like, and it animates them for you. There are several different games within the game, where you can help in your creatures' evolution and civilization, and then assist them in their conquest of the universe.


    Other people can make creatures too and you can battle them for possession of the stars.


    Things You Too Can Learn On This Day:

  • "The greatest fossilist the world ever knew", Mary Anning, inspired the tongue-twister 'she sells sea shells by the sea shore' because, well, that's just the sort of thing she liked to do apparently.

  • "Friendship" is the state motto of Texas. The only other states with one word mottoes (in English) are Rhode Island, Utah, and Wisconsin.

  • King Tut was not murdered. Nope, that blow to the head he appeared to have endured was brought about by clumsy archaelologists.

  • The Octopus does not have tentacles. Only the Squid and Cuttlefish may claim that name for its appendages. No, the proper term is arms. If you refer to them as tentacles then you had better do it metaphorically. Also, the Octopus is a Mollusk. It's basically a multi-armed shell-less supersmart snail.

  • The reason cheese was invented many thousands of years ago was to store milk in a condensed and efficient manner.

  • Sherlock Holmes once said: "I can never bring you to realize the importance of sleeves, the suggestiveness of thumb-nails, or the great issues that may hang from a boot-lace." And we're all grateful for it.


    arty links

    Characters At War

    Uncle Comics

    Animated Classics


    A reader of "Jots" writes...

    Jeremy Bentham.

    Do a google picture search...
    I would like to know what the deal is...
    His legs are in a different position in almost every picture!
    I thought he was vacuum sealed.
    Are people moving him around?
    Weekend at Jeremy's.
    In some pics he has his real head between his feet!
    ..others no head!
    Is that a fake head on the body?
    What the hell is going on here?
    Jots! I need your help!!!
    Please investigate this matter when you have a chance.
    --JRH

             

    Thanks for your inquiry, JRH. As you are no doubt aware, Jeremy Bentham, 1748-1832, was the founder of utilitarianism. In his will, he made sure that his dead body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet called an "Auto-Icon" for all time. Sometimes it's brought out and put on display for official functions. You're right, he does have his real head between his feet in some photographs. That's because his real head was damaged during the preservation process and could not be employed. It looked quite unattractive. The executors of his will placed his ugly head at his feet instead, and fashioned a fake wax model to take its place on top of his shoulders. Pranksters over the years have stolen his real head so much and used it as a football that they've taken it out of the cabinet and stored it elsewhere, hence its absence from more recent photos. As to the question regarding why his legs appear to shift position, I was unable to find a definitive answer. However, I believe the legs have moved over time because the "Auto-Icon" is wheeled about so much. It's taken to meetings and even given a chance to vote! Keep in mind, it's just his skeleton that's preserved. The rest of him is just straw packed into one of his suits. One can imagine he is quite light, not necessarily well-secured, and therefore, easily shiftable. The movement of the Auto-Icon to-and-fro would probably affect the positioning of the preserved corpse. Hope this answers your questions!


    Those folks at the MIT Media Lab have done it again:

    Clocky, "a clock for people who have trouble getting out of bed. When the snooze bar is pressed, Clocky rolls off the table and finds a hiding spot, a new one every day."

    In my last paper for class, I wrote about another amazing product developed by the MIT Media Lab: The GalvactivatorTM, the glove that senses your arousal!


    arty links

    Lizette Greco

    Art Army

    Deborah Orgel


    Colin by way of Hassen has infiltrated the worldwide Web and discovered this!

    The Grandaddy Page for All Comics Featuring Superheroes Made to Endorse Hostess Snack Cakes

    All your favorites are here including Kwirkegard, and my personal favorite Intergalactic Gold Eaters. There's also an exclusive interview with one of the writers that attempts to explain the Mystery.


    Colin also points out that a recent NY Times article features two out of three sites I recently offered you on this page. The third site featured, by the way, is a gallery of an artist that "takes corporate logos out of their environment", and it's worth a check-out. I should make clear that the author of the NY Times piece is probably not getting her links from my page. She's probably getting them from Everywhere Else. I steal pretty much all of my links from whatever is being looked at by enormous numbers of people on that particular day. I am in Touch with the Zeitgeist. Let's just say I have my finger on the very pulse of the Internet.


    Like, check this out:
    A Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad
    We Didn't Start the Fire, as a Flash video
    I Love Cheese!


    Beat ya to em, NY Times!

    Yes, I consider myself superior in all ways.




    Insect jewelers?


    A robot that eats biscuits?

    The Art of James Bond

     Never heard of Soggy, Mushy, and Toughy? Here's why: They were soundly defeated in a violent brawl by Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

     I like it when it turns to Spanish

    I don't know why, but I respect this man Nevermind.


    The Uncyclopedia

    Mirrors. Photographs from the Arkansas State Prison 1915-1937

    Frequently Asked Questions about Britain

    Robots made out of paper that can fight

    A fun video for the song "Frontier Psychiatrist"





    Think of a dictator or a sitcom character. Then answer the questions.

    You know, it's funny. They shouldn't have called it 'Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character". They should call it instead: 'Think of a Dictator or Sit-Com Character, and We Will Guess It'. I just followed the directions from the title, and thought the site was going to show me photos of dictators and sitcom characters and I had to guess which one was which. Instead I start getting asked all these personal questions: 'Do you have a job?', 'Are you often seen dating different women?', 'Do you have trouble performing everyday tasks?', etc. And I'm like, "Excuse me?!, Aren't you supposed to be making me guess whether you're a dictator or sitcom character?" And at the bottom it says: 'Do you think the question above should be removed from our database because it is inappropriate..' and I was all, "Hell yeah, it's inappropriate". And so I thought the whole site was a gag site, where they trick you or something, or maybe some kind of psych experiment. Anyway, I'm a buffoon.


    This is pretty amusing and it is courtesy of Sean by way of Zak, an actual character:
    The ridiculous supervillain "Kwirkegard"


    A somewhat impassive look at three things currently getting linked to elsewhere on the web:

    This is really not of interest to me, but I thought it would be funny if I posted it for some reason:
    Darth Vader visits this group of stormtroopers in some online game, and it was probably a big deal for those people

    I didn't really look through this site much, but I liked some of the drawings on my brief visit:
    WHAT WHAT: ....WHATEVER....

    I played this game for maybe two minutes, but I enjoyed it for that time:
    Hedgehog Catapult Game




    Prior to 1975, Grimace was known as "The Evil Grimace", and had six arms, each of which he used to hold a milkshake. He was also a thief. And yes, he ran through McDonaldland grabbing milkshakes. Oh, he was as conniving as the Hamburglar. This does at least explain why he is called "Grimace" in the first place, you know? But what happened to him?! Why the reformation? Where did four of his arms go? It's all very suspicious. I don't know if I trust him as a spokesperson around my children. Do I have to spell it out? He has extra arms tucked somewhere about his purple blobby person, ready to snatch at things and run away with them. I don't want my child's milkshake pilfered, thank you.


    Update! : I did some research and it looks like "The Evil Grimace" is a direct rip-off of the H.R. Puf n'Stuf bad guy character known as Seymore the Spider. That's why he has six arms and is evil. I couldn't find a great picture of Seymore online but you can spot him on the left in this picture (note the # of arms):



    H.R. Puf n'Stuf was made by the same guys who made Lidsville. Coincidence!? For more about the Puf n'Stuf/Mcdonaldland connection, read The Straight Dope.


    J.R.'s done it again, ya'll!
    Contagious Yawn




    I love Kodos & Kang! If you can think of a simpler way to exchange long protein strings, I'd like to hear it.


    Peoples is peoples.
    No is buildings.
    Is puppets.
    Is dancing, is music, is potatoes.


    Abridged "Science Made Stupid" put online

    Natron the Mighty suggests I scroll down to see a selection of 30-second animated shorts of bunnies performing famous movies on Angry Alien Productions.
    They are well done. Also, of amusing nature is Amy's Diary.




    BATMAN vs. The INTERGALACTIC GOLD EATERS





    I've archived the first ten of these. You can find them here:





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