Random Things I Write Down

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Yay! Photos from the NY art show I participated in: PARTYKA's DIY TLC

Mine's the second from the bottom.

Pirate Baby's Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006

Things I Wrote Down:

A friend of mine at work had a dream recently that I sold her and her newly wed husband a bed. It was a brand new king-size "beach" bed. There was no mattress - only sand, like at the beach, and ocean waves like a living blanket would crash over you as you slept. The couple paid me $6000 for it.

Later in the dream, I sold her a motorcycle and it shrunk to shriner-size when she sat on it. Apparently every vehicle she has ever had in a dream shrinks to miniaturized shriner-size! I'm glad my motorcycle for her didn't buck the trend. When I told Kelly about the dream, she was quite pleased her husband was a purveyor of sea beds. I'm thinking I should start to sell them in real life. That, and "shrinercycles".

~~~~~~~~

This actually happened: I was heading back to my workstation at work when a gentleman stopped me and asked where the department head's office was. I told him I'd guide him there myself. He was not someone I knew but I recognized him as a fellow employee. As we made our way through the maze of cubicles, we small-talked. He remarked at the size and complexity of our environment, an area of the building he had never been before. I admitted that I had yet to venture out into what I likened to a wilderness. Then, with a smile, he responded with: "Yeah, I would have thought I would have smelled cheese by now." I chuckled politely and, having arrived at our destination, gestured to the department head's office door. He thanked me for guiding him and we parted ways. As I walked back to my workstation, I thought about his final comment. I had no idea what he was talking about. Cheese? The smell of cheese? What?! I asked my immediate supervisor if there was something I should know about cheese. She was as baffled as I was. Could he have somehow misheard my comment? Maybe he thought I said "Wisconsin" instead of "wilderness". And no, the department I work in has nothing to do with cheese. Is there something I don't know? Does the department head have a cow collection in her office? Is she a cheese enthusiast that brings various types of exotic cheese to work every Wednesday for her employees to sample? Does our department have a reputation for curdling? It's a complete mystery.

Mystery Solved! Kelly pointed out he was probably referring to the fact that he felt like a rat in a maze, being led on by the scent of cheese. That's got to be it!

This photo's made the rounds I'm sure, but I just saw it yesterday in class. My professor showed it as an example of the potential difficulties in trying to describe photographs and other multimedia for purposes of representation and retrieval in a database. What's the story here?

These are all the books I read last year in the order I read them:

Jumper
Ascending Peculiarity : Edward Gorey on Edward Gorey
The Pirates! In an Adventure With Scientists
The Time Traveler's Wife
Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince
Cloud Atlas
Rhialto the Magician
The Rise of the Indian Rope Trick
The Portrait of Lady Charbuque
THEM: Adventures with Extremists
The Men who Stare at Goats
Madame Blavatsky's Baboon
Bee Season
Chasing Vermeer
The Lives of Christopher Chant
Assassination Vacation
Wickett's Remedy
The Quincunx
Anansi Boys
Ursula Under
Banvard's Folly
Whales on Stilts
Case Histories
The Areas of My Expertise
Ibid: A Novel
The Egyptologist
City of Saints and Madmen
Madame Blavatsky, medium and magician
Magic for Beginners
Magic In Theory
The Etched City
Vampires, Burial, And Death

What I'm reading now and for most of the Summer most likely: The Gormenghast novels

LINKS

The Frivolous Cake, poem from Titus Groan (first Gormenghast novel)

Creatures

Loopland

Wow:
California
Idaho

Roll Over, Apethoven!

Also available in Kubrick form

Yeti

vs.

Robot

Thy Dungeonman III
Wes Anderson commercial
Mutants Of The New Human Order & Phantom Army

Elves.

Oddball Comics

What Is It?

List of 100 possibly true statements (Note to B.: Check out # 18!)

Unphotographable

The Three Links I Have for You On This Day

Kami-Robo, paper robot wrestling culture, with great gallery

Enjoyable stop-motion short featuring Kirk Douglas clones

Origin of "Mad!... Mad, I tell you!" (Via Paul Collins' blog)

NOW, WITH THE INTERNET, YOU TOO CAN BE THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL:

I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotepotenuse

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinapinafore

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
You'll say a better Major-General had never sat a gee

You'll say a better Major-General had never sat a gee
You'll say a better Major-General had never sat a gee
You'll say a better Major-General had never sat a sat a gee

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General

At first glance, you'd think this comic was all about me. You'd be half-right. I'm just the quivering side-kick guy standing next to Henry. Good times.

This is Zatara the Master Magician chasing one of the Moon Men. Whatever Zatara says backwards, happens, for that is his magic power. In this case, he's commanding a stone wall to stop the Moon Man. It ends up being a brick wall, but backwards-speaking master magicians can't be choosers.

From Stupid Comics

Let's Link About It...

Kirsten Johnson puppet paintings

People w/ Cattle & Horse photography

Ephemera from 1902 Sears, Roebuck Catalog

Kirby collage
Titanic 2 mash-up
Peter Blegvad's Leviathan

Here's Kaiser Wilhelm II, dressed up as always in a ridiculous militaristic costume, hanging out with Winston Churchill.

Willy was, after all, Queen Victoria's grandson.

(painting)

Who are these mysterious half-naked women? And what do they have to do with celestial bears?

I’ll let the Ancient Greeks answer. Once upon a time, their myth explains, there lived a nymph named Callisto and she was best friends with the goddess Diana (otherwise known as Artemis). Being her friend meant she had to take a vow of chastity and hunt with her and the other nymphs all the time, and Callisto was entirely amenable to such vocations. Unfortunately, Zeus happened to spot Callisto alone one day, and after disguising himself so he could catch her unaware, took advantage of her. This would come as no surprise to any Ancient Greek, who was quite accustomed to hearing about the King of the Gods’ atrocious behavior with unattended nymphs. Poor Callisto became pregnant, and this shocking fact was revealed when the nymphs and Diana took a bath by a spring. Here, in this painting, you can see a depiction of that very scene.

What happened next? Well, Zeus’ wife Hera, never one to be sympathetic to a maiden that her husband, while disguised, catches unaware, turned Callisto into a bear. Callisto, now a bear, still bears her son, who is named Arcas (which means bear), and if that’s not enough bear for you, Arcas also later gets turned into a bear. The poor bear single mom and her illegitimate bear son must bear further punishment when Hera puts a curse on them. As per her instructions, they are stuck onto the night sky, made so that they can never dip low enough to get a drink from the ocean, and must continually circle each other, forever and ever… How terrible!

Their dire situation may sound familiar to astronomy buffs. The Ancient Greeks noticed that two star formations in the night sky were visible all year long, circled each other, and never appeared to move below the horizon. They fashioned a myth to explain the phenomenon and their Roman counterparts called the constellations Ursa Major and Ursa Minor (translation: Big Bear and Little Bear), their nicknames for Callisto and Arcas. You might know them as the Big and Little Dipper. What the Ancient Greeks didn’t know is that a vindictive goddess with a bear obsession is not to blame. The stars are actually circumpolar, which means the observer is located at a latitude that puts the stars near the poles. This is what explains their constant presence above the horizon.

It is only the privileged few who witness the full magnificence of the great conflicts of the ages.

Today, count me among your benefactors for I raise you to a new level of distinction. Behold!

Mighty Age-Old Quarrels

Inspired by the poll results of Poll # 4, it is the third installment of the on-going series of text/image hybrids.

G is for Glum

Spiral & Circle japanese gifts

45 pages of Stupid Comics

Here are the last 23 headers in case you missed them:

Welcome to the website that's...

"charged with protecting you at all costs, even against the Dark Lord's many henchmen!"
"made of 100% moxie!"
"deliberately ignoring Spock's advice to live long and prosper and urging you to do the same!"
"the Brunch of Champions!"
"laminated with a thin transparent plastic coating for a glossy finish and to provide protection against liquid and heavy use!"
"not crocodilicious!"
"arousing your wondering admiration!"
"making fun of you with the other web sites when you're not online!"
"baffled at its status of role model among underprivileged teens, but happy to be considered one anyway!"
"brimming with verisimilitude!"
"teh bomb!"
"impressed with Hollywood's recent innovations in fat suit technology!"
"got nothin' but love for ya, honey!"
"unwilling to discuss the condition of your generative organs!"
"hoping ya'll out there who dated celebrities before they were famous will submit your stories for the entertainment of my readers!"
"stolen fizzy lifting drinks!"
"frugivorous!"
"staring right into your very soul... in fact, it's participating in a staring contest with it... and winning - your soul is blushing like a schoolboy and is about to titter awkwardly in embarrassment!"
"the judge, jury, and executioner!"
"the only site of its kind that lets you be the reader and someone else create the content!"
"not your average groupie!"
"vaguely remembering Yakov Smirnoff!"
"[this space for rent]!"

P.S. Megan Whitmarsh is the greatest!

New Scientist Article:

"It also makes a distinctive call, which the researchers describe as a “honk-bark”, very different from the “whoop-gobble” calls of other [monkeys]."

This is the story of Honk-Bark and Whoop-Gobble. The two were friends in the Ancient American Southeast. Their tales are told in the area around the river hole by the marsh pens.

It was Honk-Bark's birthday coming up and Whoop-Gobble didn't know what to get his friend. Should he buy him some pie? Should he make a ladder out of twine? How about some fringyframs? His mom sure did make some yummy fringo-framo cakes. But his mother was very busy as a suffragette, making sure all the women of the world get their votes. She had given Whoop-Gobble her recipes and a griddle, but he was too dim in the head to learn to how to use that griddle. It scared him. And so it was, more to get rid of something that scared him, that he decided to give Honk-Bark the griddle for his birthday.

Now Honk-Bark was the toughest of all the monkeys. He had a giant's frame and could crush you up into bits (yes, even you). On Saturdays, he beat up bullies. And then on Mondays, he tracked down the bullies, paid their hospitable bills, and gave them free fishing lessons. The bullies considered it well worth the abuse. For you see, Honk-Bark had perfected fishing to an art form and was an excellent tutor. This is all information you don't need, I'm just now realizing.

When Whoop-Gobble gave Honk-Bark the griddle, what did Honk-Bark say? He said, "Go to town and wrap this up with some fancy wrapping paper. I shan't have my presents given to me unwrapped." And Whoop-Gobble had no choice but to lug the scary griddle all the way to town.

He had no money so he traded in his griddle for some wrapping paper. This now meant he'd lost his griddle so he traded back the wrapping paper for it. This went on for a while, the wrapping paper being exchanged for the griddle and vice versa, until finally Honk-Bark arrived to check up on him. "What are you doing, Whoop-Gobble? You are acting the fool. And I think that is funny, and a better gift I could not imagine to be so amused on such a day as today, the day on which I was born not 100 years ago." Then the two friends went and got juice. Bowling was in order, as was the creation of a new ditch, which Honk-Bark sat in and silently prayed to the stars for a new griddle (it turned out he really wanted one). An angel up in Heaven heard his prayer and went down and whispered in Whoop-Gobble's ear. "You, young one. Your friend wants a girdle [for, you see, there was a slight miscommunication]. Go and find him one and in this way, ye shall be blessed and the Lord shall think upon thee with friendliness."

Whoop-Gobble was not one to ignore the angels so he went to the store and exchanged his juice for a girdle. He gave it to Honk-Bark who took one look at the gridle and got very angry. He said, "I don't need a slender appearance. I am slender enough!", which was true as Honk-Bark could have used a few pounds. The eligible ladies of his acquaintance had come to a consensus about it. Whoop-Gobble was apologetic and sought to explain. "I'm sorry, Honk-Bark. I heard a heavenly angel bidding me to get you a girdle. I shouldn't have listened." "No, that was probably wise," said Honk-Bark. "You probably did the right thing." And just in case the Lord was watching, Honk-Bark wore that girdle until the end of his days. But the truth is nobody noticed.

All these links here I pulled from the archive of the kindred spirit Fat Robot's blog:

Sea Serpent theatrical
Bootleg Toys Links
a sampler of things
The Flying Mobulas of the Sea of Cortez
The Armarium
Stalin's Breeding Plan
Blogging Predicted by 19th Century Russian Prince

After some sleuthing I finally found the obituary listing of my Uncle John, and now know the name of his wife and their address.

In some ways, his death at Omaha Beach feels like it led to my existence. His father John Sr, my grandfather, had lost both his sons (the other I think from polio) from his previous marriage. At the risk of being sexist about it, my dad is the Son Who Lived and my brothers, cousins, and I are the continuing legacy. I'm not sure how great a film Saving Private Ryan is, but I did see it as an attempted allegory for how the soldiers of WWII sacrificed themselves for future generations - Ryan being a symbol for all of us. Now that I'm thinking about my uncle, the allegory is driven further home for me. I also can't help but think of another important formative siege in my family history, this one originating from those same beaches in Normandy. One of the marauding Normans, after conquering England, set up shop in the town of Stok. Six hundred years later, his descendants became Quaker pacifists. The first with the name John Hinchman Stokes was also the first doctor in the family and a rather brave one I've heard. And then, less than two hundred years later, there went John Jr, the son of the sons, seeing a reason to break the Quaker creed, returning again to Normandy, where the story started, to die. No wonder my dad joined the army as a doctor and toils to this day helping the survivors of combat.

Last year I threw together an ancestry site about my Stokes line that I made for a class, if you want to check it out.

The Top 10 Things to Bring On A Tour

Any self-respecting rock-and-roll band has to take something on the road with them. I mean, they can't just go naked as the day they were born, can they? These are the top 10 items rockers just can't leave home without. And nakedness just isn't one of them!

10) Sunscreen. God Himself has hired a Hit-man in the guise of the Sun, and he is out to get you. Whether you're in Tuscany, Berlin or Hayes County, Michigan - you can't escape the literal death rays that shoot out like literal lasers at your fragile, and quite literal, skin. Mick Jagger wears at all times a suit made entirely of sunscreen, and I believe Shania Twain has hired a woman to apply it to her skin in perpetuity, even while sleeping. This is because the Sun never Sits. Except when sunscreen rocks its socks off. It's what makes rock n' roll music possible, in my humble opinion. Many who go touring call sunscreen "the Shieldmaiden of Rock".

9) Elvis encased in a block of ice. Most people know he disappeared, but what they don't realize is he disappeared into a block of ice, where he remains ever-frozen. In the right light, you can make out the glean of a rhinestone through the glacial surface. It's transcendent to see, and it is wise never to leave the King behind, even for single engagements.

8) My Trifocals. This is how I can see into three-dimensions. I have powers of sight AND sound - the latter has something to do with my ears, but the former is all due to my trusty trifocals. Did I mention I can see ghosts with them? Yes, and "other spirits that make me a better musician". That was a quote by none other than Theodore Geisel, known the world over as Dr. Seuss.

7) Zeppelin fleet owned by my friend Brennan. This squadron of attack blimps is excellent to have around. I have needed back-up when cornered by street punks on too many occasions to count. I just blow the ancient rune-etched horn and in two days, Brennan's fleet of gas-filled airships descends to wreak havoc on any and all enemies (provided they are wearing red - but since I have two days to influence my enemies' fashion, it's no problem). Also, the zeppelins or "gas-bags" as my friend affectionately calls them, have excellent chefs and know how to cook rhubarb in myriad ways. I'm telling you, if they were on Iron Chef and the challenge was "rhubarb", they'd win, hands down. Mr. Kenji Fukui, I hope you're reading this.

6) 100 keys to 99 doors. This is so much fun. The 100 identical unmarked keys all go to doors but there are only 99 doors in total. So one of the keys will not actually work. The idea is to try each key, but you never know whether you are using the 100th non-functioning one! This amuses me for hours.

5) The video game. This is the one and only video game ever made. It's diverting, but a bit of a challenge. I don't know what the little moving things do. And I don't know if I'm supposed to do anything with the thingies. But I do like how it makes the TV shows on the TV go away.

4) A beautiful exotic Bengal Tiger named Szasha. She is such a beautiful creature. Adjectives to describe her: Magnificent, Triumphant, Nature's Way of Saying Thank You To Humans, Stunningly Terrific, Transcendent, The Wildness I Never Knew Could Be So Untamed, Noble, and Divine.

2) A way out of any conversation. I can't say what it is because I'm guessing rockers consider it a trade secret, but I will divulge this much. If you say the phrase, "Oh Lordy wants a sandwich", you will notice that the person you are talking to is slightly less interested than before. Go with that, experiment, and you may well stumble on a tried-and-true escape route - the Skeleton Key to All Exit Doors. This is a crucial item to possess when meeting all the fans. This is what I am assuming.

And finally the # 1 item a rock star can't leave on a Tour without:

1) Food.

Art of Alberto Vazquez
Poems about the absurdities of English spelling
Get it? 'Cause you can't hear, there's no air
Google Romance
And this actually isn't an April Fools joke
Nor THIS?!

Another Dr. De Sarak Article

From the New York Daily Tribune, May 8, 1901...

DOUBLE VISION FAILED HIM

And yes, a bull dog was involved.

Updated with fraternal anecdotal coincidence

Kaiser Wilhelm II pretty much started World War I, which itself created a situation that led to World War II... so who was this nut? I want to know. Here is a photo of him dressed as Frederick the Great.

From answers.com:

"Wilhelm owned a vast collection of uniforms and costumes. He wore different ones for each occasion, often 4 or more a day. For instance, when eating plum pudding he would dress as a British Admiral."

robot sculpture
yuko art
songtapper

My brother Colin recently visited Normandy and found our uncle's grave.

He died on D-Day at ~~the Battle of Normandy~~ Omaha Beach, dramatized at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan.

Drawing

A drawing of mine.

Movie Reviews

Planet of the X-caped X-kimos

This trashy movie (a part 1 in a yet-to-be-filmed decology) is one of the better examples of a "popcorn" movie. A cartoon flashback during the opening credits explains how a group of chimpanzees were magically transformed into hip swinging astronauts, hence their name: X-chimps. The X-chimps are all such slackers and dope-users that they fail the written portion of the NASA test to get into space. After a hilarious murderous shopping spree (where they try to start a failed franchise of arsenical hamburger restaurants), they are thrown as punishment into an asteroid-carved pit that leads to the center of the Earth. Since it takes an infinite number of years for the X-chimps to reach the core and in that infinite number of years they can easily evolve into Shakespeare-capable intellectuals, um... they do. I was grateful to the film-makers that they chose to speed this scene up considerably as I find any sort of imagery depicting the transformation of creatures to be distasteful and barbarian. Once the X-chimps reach the core they burn up, but not before singing a stirring musical number entitled "Oh My Lord, the Burning Hurts". I found myself choking up on several occasions during this great, great film. I especially liked all the cute uses of the letter X as a prefix in front of words. Examples include X-burger, "X-llent!", and X-pseudosquadron. Again, a great, great film. "This is one for the toilet!", my girlfriend reportedly heard me say during one of my fever-dreams. I don't suggest using hallucinogenic mushrooms; however, I do suggest watching this movie. But only if you're Hitler or somebody evil who really deserves to die.

Score: 1 1/2 SUPERTOMATOES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barbara Bush in "Getting Australian!"

This film is nothing if not colorful. Shot in harsh realistic documentary-style, it begins with a man in drag trying to convince the viewer he is actually Barbara Bush, the president's mother. I was dubious at first, but by the end of the film, there is abundant and compelling evidence that his claims are true. The plot is difficult to make out, but I think there was somebody wearing glasses and a bit about a pig. The back of the box mentions a revenge of some sort. It was a brilliant parable of man's ability to domesticate dogs, specifically the dachshund. I was struck by the incredible inhumanity of the film-makers. And how their children must be complete punks. Vandalism, I would conjecture, is one of their past-times (like how baseball is America's). The movie for me was really a poem. And now, wherever I see a poem, I see a movie (but not this one). I have actually decided to think of directors now as 'poets' and actors as 'words'. Alternately, words are 'actors'. In fact, the word "harmony" is now going to be "Bruce Willis". If I was teaching a class, I would give myself an 'A' and tell my students to climb a famous mountain, because that's the only thing worth doing any more.

Score: 3 7/8 SUPERTOMATOES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mundo Moribundo

This movie is about a down-on-his-luck proctologist named James "Cashy" Cash (Jim Belushi) in the Earth of the far-future. By day he's a proctologist, but by night, he's also a proctologist. It's really the long grueling hours required of his career that I think motivate this character to seek the arms of a beautiful mystery lady named Sue-Ella Mische, the heiress, seamstress AND songstress. Together they try to avert the destruction of the planet. I'm going to go ahead and spoil the whole movie for you and reveal the shocking twist-ending. Ready? It's not Earth that the story is set on like you think... it's MARS. It's just been colonized such that it looks like Earth. The whole time you're thinking, "Oh no, Earth is about to blow up!" And then you find out it's just Mars that's going to explode, and it's a huge relief. Very clever of the writers. Very clever. Crocodile Dundee guest-stars as Crocodile Dundee's descendant. Brilliant casting choice to use the same actor. That really sold me on the realism. After all, wouldn't the descendant of Crocodile Dundee look very much like his great-great-great-grandfather? After "Earth" (Mars, *wink*) blows up, Cashy and Sue-Ella start a utopian society filled with peace and Bruce Willis. I don't mean the word "harmony" here, I actually mean Bruce Willis. Tons of them. All the Bruce Willises can't stop the avalanche that happens! Oh, I laughed so hard.

Score: 0 SUPERTOMATOES (but will add more if I receive money)

balloon sculptures

paintings

comics with problems

edwardian moon exhibit

The Bible is a popular religious text with one part that purportedly describes what will happen at the end of the world. I agree with some but not all of it. Here are a few notable changes in my personal forecast:

The Demons: The demons will have eyes on the backs of their heads, not the fronts. They will still have four thousand eyes, as it is writ, but the eyes will be half green, half blue, and over a dozen will need contacts. And before you object, remember: that's not that many that need contacts percentage-wise, if you think about it. The demons' words will actually manifest themselves physically. I'm really looking forward to this. For example, if a demon says "apple", an actual apple will appear in front of it. I'm hoping there is a chance I can get a demon to start reading from Forbes, if you know what I mean. The demons will have wings but they will prefer to descend in helicopters. Don't worry, the helicopters will be outfitted with propellers made of long tongues of flame. It will still look pretty sweet. One demon will be named Zzkharrhagesallle, which sounds just like 'garage-sale' when you pronounce it. In fact, all the demons will have names that when spelled look appropriately demonic, but when said aloud are normal everyday English words. Some other demons will be Brakkhali, Lonn Mowarh, and Szanduieetch.

The Rapture: Good people will get sucked up a tube. The tube will be lowered with precision by angels to about nine miles above the center of Stockholm, Sweden. Anyone who can't make it to a 500 mile radius around the tube will not get sucked up, so moving to the surrounding areas now is probably a good idea. So is acting good for that matter, since bad people are not sucked up. They are transported to another intergalactic locale, knighted by aliens to fight in bizarre holy wars, and made to eat far too much raw zucchini. It's time to start being nice for a change, people!

Fire and Brimstone: It will be a pinkish hue and smell of cotton candy confection. It will not rain from the sky, but will rather be doled out to spectators for 4 tickets.

Isn't this picture funny? I love the summoned creature (click for a closer look). I guess you never know what you're gonna get after incanting those arcane sigils or whatever. The best part is that this painting was created with complete seriousness.

Movie Time-Line
Mickey Mouse and Gonorrhea
Octopus likes its toys

Nate noticed that the binturong can "kill small animals like ducks by jumping on them!". This inspired him to create the above image.

I am pleased to announce an exciting new art show happening in N.Y. until April 19th!

Starting next week (Monday, March 27th), I will be part of it.

DIY TLC - An Exhibition of New Art by Partyka & Friends

I contributed one of my head guys. You can see a bit of a sketch I did for it in the top middle square of this page of more info - the penciled creature with the big nose. The rest of the sketch may be in the catalogue, but I might post it here as well at some point. There are some exceptionally talented artists represented, and I wish I could get up there myself and check it out.

Many thanks to that maverick powerhouse PARTYKA and its kind constituents for including me among those of such high caliber

MARCH 25TH
LIFE DAY
2 0 0 6

On March 25th, I celebrate Life Day, my own personal holiday honoring new beginnings. Each year for this page I make up a bunch of silly stuff like the official animal of Life Day and I unabashedly acclaim the virtues of random things I like.

For a look at how I've honored the day in previous years for this site, visit:

Life Day 2003

Life Day 2004

Life Day 2005

FYI: On this day the following real and fake events were said to occur:

Dante descended to the Inferno

Titan, Saturn's largest moon, was discovered

Britain abolished slavery

John Lennon and Yoko Ono started their Bed-In

The angel told Mary she was pregnant with God

The official animal of this year's Life Day is the binturong, or bearcat.
The bearcat is neither a bear nor a cat, it is a binturong. Note: it is frugivorous. And it smells of popcorn.

On this day, we honor the aviatrix.

We appreciate the juxtaposition of Pirates and Pioneers, this year's double-patches of official heraldry.

This is "Flight of the Witches" by Goya, this year's official Life Day work of fine art. It is one of the scariest paintings I've ever seen, but I like it a lot. In German, it is known as Hexenflug. Hereby, the official word of the day is hexenflug. (it was going to be 'frugivorous" but I changed my mind) Hexenflug can be used as a greeting or an exclamation. I would think if you were to see in real life the subject of this painting, yelling "Hexenflug!" would be an appropriate response. As would: crumpling up into a ball and praying you'll survive the night.

What should I do for Life Day?

You could play a game my friends and I like to call "Blindly-Draw-A-Boar". It's fun. We like it. You get some funny-looking boars out of it.

If you're me, you could get tested to become a green belt in kung fu. (And no, I don't intend to pose as a black belt and wear my new green belt on my head like this gentleman, at least not where anyone else can see.)

You could read Alex's Ode to the Noble Binturong.

Hexenflug, neighbor!

Have a Happy Life Day!

Links:

I'd heard about Heat-Vision & Jack and wondered how I'd ever see it

Obviously I'm a big fan of Stephen Berkman's Ambrotypes

Artist Zak Smith is featured on "6000 intriguing people you want to meet online before you die"

Hey, listen buddy, despite what you think, robo-whales are here to stay!

Dave Curd Illustration

A Mystic in Tibet: Alexandra David-Neel

Digital Funnies

This is broken

This is what is happening in the chicken coop now

This is an archive of quaint articles from 19th century Harper's

For you Sarak-o-philes out there, I've completed transcribing the articles from the Washington Post.

May 3, 1902...

DELVED INTO THE OCCULT

"This fire was the 'electric fluid' &c., which he created by means of the vast current of electric force contained within himself."

October 17, 1902...

DE SARAK'S MYSTIC FEATS

"...he makes no conflict between the outward impression of the man and the strange and somewhat weird teachings he promulgates."

March 9, 1903...

OCCULTISTS AT A DINNER

"The master of organization, Augustus Viscount de Sarak, a child of scarcely four years..."

---------

See the first one I posted, "Wizard in the Temple", by scrolling down below or on its own page.

Geoffrey Chaucer Hath A Blog

This video game concept originated with the big ships in the 1979 game Galaxian that appear to direct the attack of the ships below them, hence the word "boss"

A dialogue between a man and an evil monkey about the Narnia movie

Lately I've been doing this thing where I make a little 2D line drawing doodle of a head, usually in profile. Then I sculpt, bake, and paint that head in 3D. Finally, I draw from that 3D model a new bigger head, render it with lots of shading, and stick a body on it. Here's one result of that process. I attached the original 2D head in the left hand corner so you can kind of see how I transferred it to 3D. This is a good process for me as it sort of breaks me out of the same broken-record vocabulary that I have in my 2D doodling and gets me to do more life-drawing studies with more technical rendering.

From the cool studio site Blog of Kells, this is an image of Grainne "Granny" O'Malley, or Granuaile, the incredibly awesome historically-for-reals Irish Pirate Queen. She met with Queen Elizabeth, who was apparently highly impressed and gave Granny permission to continue doing whatever she wanted. This included being a pirate and attacking English ships.

Speaking of which...

Monkeycrab Plush

Say it with me...
Tardigrada!

Their original name was: bear-animalcule

They are masters of cryptobiosis, where they mimic death to survive environmental extremes.

Some of them live on top of the Himalayas.

A few paintings of Tardigrada

Above image came from this site of excellent science illustrations

And now for the second installment of the ongoing series...

Mighty Age-Old Quarrels

Like the squid and the whale, I'm diving deep to bring this one to the surface.

Is there anything on this earth capable of stopping Britain's greatest wartime statesman? The answer, my friends, will betray your faith in Mother Reality!

Yesterday I thought I'd go with something pithy and clever for my "welcome to the webpage that's..." header. I came up with "crocodilicious!". Well, it turns out I had already done "crocodilicious!" like two years ago. The mind is the same mind, my man. It don't change. It's got the same grooves that come up with "crocodilicious" over and over again, and only memory keeps you from repeating yourself. So anyway, I changed it to "not crocodilicious!" because it was decidedly not. To my self in the past that also came up with "crocodilicious" all I can say is great minds think alike, especially when they are the same. SHOUT OUT TO MY FORMER SELF! YOU RULE(D) THE DAY.

Robot Links

The dude who wrote the Robot Uprising book speaks to Google

Aging Japan builds robot to look after elderly

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency seeks innovative proposals to develop technology to create insect-cyborgs

ABOVE: A robot that transforms into the Titanic... What, so that it can sink?!

I finally got the microform machines to work! Here's the first (sic, sic, sic) article about Dr. de Sarak, my great-grandfather's nemesis.

WIZARD IN THE TEMPLE
Dr. de Sarak Astonished Distinguished Masons
TRANSFORMED EGGS INTO FISH
The Sixth Sense, He Said, Was Simply the Power to Hasten
the Processes of Nature - Will Is Basis of All Occultism -
Startling Exhibitions by the Man from Thibet - Dominos Blindfolded.

    Dr. A. de Sarak, occultist and adept, a professor of the mystic and sixth sense, gave a demonstration last night before a Washington audience. Several hundred persons gathered in the beautiful assembly hall of the House of the Temple of the Supreme Council, Southern Jurisdiction 433 Third street last evening to witness his weird exibitions of occult powers. A large number of members of Congress were in the audience and the Eastern sorceror was introduced to the assemblage by Grand Commander Richardson. After three hours spent in the presence of the East Indian, the audience filed out with apparently something to think about and ponder.
    Prof Sarak, while master of fourteen languages, does not speak fluently the English language. Last evening he spoke in French and a very charming young woman, also an adept, but of American birth acted as his interpreter. The Easterner, a man of medium height, was attired in a gorgeous gown of white silk across the breast of which hung certain mystic emblems of gold and silver. A loose pale yellow robe covered this garment during most of the evening. He wore a white turban. The adept wears a pointed black beard which, with large languid brown eyes, gave fully the effect that one expects in a student of the mystic schools of Thibet.

The Occult His Religion

    The interpreter stated that Prof. de Sarak was born in Tibet and was descended from a noble French family. He had devoted his life, she said, to the study of the occult, first in the Tibetan schools and later with the ascetics hidden in the mountains. He has visited almost every country on the globe, spreading the occult science, which, she declared, some time would bring a rich harvest to all mankind.
    As the professor finished his rapidly spoken French sentences the young woman translated them to the hearers. Dr. de Sarak described the sixth sense in man, saying that it was second-sight, a latent and undeveloped force. He said he merely wished to present the facts of his religion. He explained the wonderful fluid force that existed. He said it was the force that raised the huge stones in building the pyramids and is the same force that brings the bird from the egg, the force which gives man the power of rising as if filled with buoyant gas, a power which can be concentrated in a tube. He stated that occultism was absolutely nothing but the powers of the will.
    "It is nothing supernatural," the doctor said, "but is merely the hastening of nature's work."
    A small table stood by a leather chair and on this burned a tiny candle from the mouth of a brazen asp. The professor stood over the table and busied himself with a pungent incense in an odd burner. A glass plate, with a number of fish eggs was shown and examined. A large glass bowl was filled with water, and one of the members of the audience was told to carefully brush the eggs into the water. In the meantime three men from the audience had with strong ropes securely bound the hands of the adept behind his back and he sat in the chair. Broad, clean, white cloths were wrapped about the seated figure leaving the head free, and the three men selected held these cloths in place. Music rolled from a deep organ, and the head of the adept sank back, and a strange light appeared to cross his face. According to the directions of the interpreter the bowl of water containing the fish eggs was placed by one of the three beneath the cloths and on the lap of the adept.
    After a period of straining and soft moaning from the white-wrapped figure, for perhaps ten minutes, the cloths were removed and from the lap of the apparently insensible man was lifted the bowl of water, but instead of the eggs which it contained a few moments before there swam about dozens of tiny, newly-born fish.
    Dr. Sarak was then blindfolded with a half dozen bandages pressing against absorbent cotton, which rested before the eyes. For a while he remained in his chair, while the vibrating tones of an organ filled the room. Then the adept suddenly arose and walked surely and steadily down the room, turning into narrow aisles through the audience as safely as a man might who had his sight. This experiment was to demonstrate double vision at a distance and through opaque bodies. A blank canvas stood on an easel near the adept. Apparently in a tance, he walked to the easel, mixed colors, and in ten minutes a finished picture was the result. A game of dominos was played with a member of the audience, and previous to the beginning of the game the doctor wrote something on a bit of card and his assistant handed it to some one in the audience to keep. Blindfolded and standing, the adept played the game perfectly, and at the conclusion the card ws found to contain the numbers of the last two dominos played by both the adept and his opponent.
    Experiments were given at the close in the disintegration and restoration of matter and of psychic perception. In which he aroused the wondering admiration of the audience.

Commentary: Sarak tried the fish bowl trick back in France and was unmasked by his own youthful son! (Read about it here). So that ten minutes it sat on his lap while he moaned and moved about? That was the same ten minutes it apparently always took to stick the tube in there and replace the eggs with fish. I like how his other tricks are "walk through a crowd to illustrate double vision through opaque bodies"... huh?, and "make a completed painting in only ten minutes"... It's a miracle! And then in a stunning climax he "plays dominos with audience". Alberto de Sarak, you truly are an East Indian Thibeten-born Noble Frenchman professor/doctor who knows 14 languages (but sorry, not English).

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Artnatomy

Surreal flash cartoon

Tardigrade

I think the tardigrade or "water bear" is my new favorite animal:

They're like microscopic 6-limbed alien bears. Apparently they're all over and tough as nails.

Two people dressed up as a tardigrade.

t-shirts here

I was hired to replace a teacher for 10-14 year olds. I had no idea what I was doing and was especially worried about what to do if the kids got out of line. I decided to adopt a really odd British accent and present this image of a friendly British professor type, who calls the kids "Sir". That was my strategy - to disarm the kids with this character. It seemed to go okay at first. I exuded as much confidence as I could muster and asked the class what they wanted to learn about. One kid said the Greeks, and I asked him if he meant the Ancient Greek culture or modern Greece. (still with the funny upperclass British accent). The kid didn't know. He just wanted Greeks. I tried to begin a lecture about things, describing the Parthenon, but many of them would not stay in their seats, and it was really hard to get them to sit back down. "Sir, get back into your seats, Sir! This is a time for sitting, Sir!" Eventually I kind of gave up and just let them do what they wanted. A few kids started standing side by side, singing like they were in a chorus. I decided to make it a class activity as if somehow I was in control of the students all along and this was part of my pre-determined curriculum. I enlisted other members of the class to sing or dance or play instruments or be the audience. I spent most of the time wracking my brain trying to figure out how the hell I was going to tie this activity into the curriculum. Could it have something to do with the Ancient Greeks? Could I segue-way into talk of Classical Mythology ? Many times my British accent would go away by accident and I started worrying that the students could tell and they would think I was some kind of nut! Which I clearly was. Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to teach in the waking world.

This is fun to make a blog on the computer blog

The Mysterious Mose (one of the films featured at the puppetry festival I attended)

Stop Time

This juggler beats the other juggler

Excerpts from an 1888 Encyclopedia of Universal Knowledge

A friend was sitting in a restaurant as I walked in. I said, "Hey what's up! Long time no see. How are you?" and she said "Oh, not much. My boyfriend and I just had a baby." And then she whipped out a bundle from out of nowhere and it was the single cutest baby I have ever seen. Since it was a dream, the baby was super hyper cute, like crazy cute, like no baby has, or ever will be. I was amazed. I started laughing with the baby it was so cute, and then my friend laughed along, hahahahee, everyone was having a good time, and then I said, "So is it a boy or a girl?", and she said it was a boy, and I asked "What's his name?" and she said, "His name is Short". And I said "Oh, cool!" and then she said "It's short for Shortkoff". And I thought to myself, "Must be a family name, or something.", but I thought it was a cool name, and I pictured she and her boyfriend nicknaming him "Shortie", and thinking that was pretty funny. Then I woke up. It was after waking up that I realized maybe "Short" really wasn't the best name for a child. So my advice to everyone out there is not to name any of your future children, "Short". That is all. (But damn that kid was cute, hahahee!)

This is the supervillain named the Clock King. He has a clock for a head.

When given the challenge to produce something inspired by the statement "Secret Histories of the People at the Grocery Store", my friend Brenn responded in a manner meriting admiration. Bear witness to his triumph!

Three Brilliant Ideas

Idea 1:

A Dogs Playing Poker calendar, where each month has a painting depicting the dogs in a different time period For example, prehistoric cave dogs in a cave playing poker with rocks and sticks, Egyptian dogs playing poker in a pyramid tomb, Renaissance dogs playing poker with Shakespeare's dog, WWI dogs in the trenches, etc., etc. ... You get the idea.

Idea 2:

A whole web site devoted to making fun of people who were born in 1976.

You can buy t-shirts and merchandise with sarcastic slogans such as:

"How's the Bicentennial?!"

"Why don't you go watch Rocky (the top grossing film)"

"Go Senior Class of '94!"

"Year of the Dragon, huh? I guess we can't all be dogs, pigs, roosters, ox, sheep, horses, rabbits, snakes, monkeys, rats, and tigers"

"That makes you, what, twenty nine/thirty now?"

"You were born in 1976? HA!"

I think most of us have wanted to make fun of people born in 1976 but have been afraid to. It's time to stand up to the 76ers and take them down a level. Point out to them that when they were in high school they totally missed out on the Internet. And call them "Generation Y" or the "Pepsi Generation" and like stick your tongue out at them behind their backs and mention their lameness in conversation, interject it nonchalantly between sentences like it's no big deal. When you greet them for the first time, say "Sucks to be you" instead of "Pleased to meet you". They will not even notice!

Idea 3:

Combining Scotland and Switzerland together to form Scotzerland.

I completed the first installment of the...

Mighty Age-Old Quarrels

I thought I'd go back to the Dawn of Man and see what sort of antagonism was to be had.

The results, frankly, won't surprise you.

Yes, it has one of the coolest scientific names.

Yeee Hah! Simpsons opening LIVE

Presidential Diseases

Comic: Family Man

Yaks, people, yaks

Yikes! New monkeycrab discovered?!

Here are the last 23 headers in case you missed them:

Welcome to the website that's...

"failing to attract readers aged 9 - 9 1/2 weeks old!"
"the end-all be-all of everything - yes, the very Nexus of the Universe!"
"where crocodiles go to mate!"
"looking a gift horse in the mouth to determine its age by the quantity and character of its teeth!"
"the one site the Forestry Service doesn't want you to see!"
"got dandruff!"
"a place to sit back, unwind, kick your feet up, annoy others, and get thrown out by the management!"
"not just some floozy you bookmark once and then never reload, thank you very much!"
"jots jots bo bots banana fana fo fots fe fi fo fots JOTS!"
"bettin' you're a cretin!"
"got seven and a half fingers on its middle hand and each one has a very sophisticated extractable laser at the tip that can cut like a knife!"
"pulling on your pantcuff with its cute widdle teef. Arf!"
"providing continuous coverage of the 2006 Winter Olympics!"
"caught between Scylla and Charybdis!"
"laughing its way to the bank - the blood bank, that is!"
"forbidding in its magnificence!"
"cuter & younger than you ever were!"
"sustaining you in an otherwise nutrient deficient world!"
"seen better days!"
"being such a crybaby!"
"not your mother!"
"endful... you know, like the opposite of endless!"
"Philadelphia in Reverse!"

5 Reasons Why Battle Cats Make Terrible TERRIBLE Pen Pals

1) I was penpals with this one Battle Cat once. His name was Colonel Whiskers. He was cool at first but then all he ever wrote about was conquering Pluto. I don't even think Pluto is a planet any more.

2) Battle Cats never send money like grandma. Sometimes she sends candy which is impressive because she has like thirty grandchildren. How many pen pals does a Battle Cat normally have? A couple. Just. A couple.

3) I know this might not be relevant but there's a Battle Cat who lives next door to my house. I can talk to him whenever.

4) My friend Larry once told me that Battle Cats never forget. Anything. So like if you pissed one of them off they would never forget and they might try to kill you.

5) Battle Cats can't really write.

Text by the B.

I've mentioned my upcoming Mighty Age-Old Quarrels feature. The Brennster has taken his own "mighty" swing at it. Enjoy the results, and don't forget that clicking on pictures on web pages sometimes makes them bigger.

Silly Kid & Villain

I have a good feeling about The Whim

Some Serious Mad Juggling

This Fellow Makes With The Good Comics

This is what Sesame Street looks like in India

I've archived the first sixteen of these. You can find them here:

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