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Now Almost Entirely Rejected by McSweeney's!
Table of Contents from a Book of Child Safety Tips for Parents
Chapter 1 -- How to Avoid Cannibals
Chapter 2 -- Know When to Say No: "Mommy, can Attila the Hun sleep-over?"
Chapter 3 -- Why Bear-Traps Make Ouchy Hannukah Gifts
Chapter 4 -- The Floor - Nature's Place to Put Things that Trip Your Child
Chapter 5 -- Certainly Not The Elderly - Who can you trust to pull your child out of quicksand?
Chapter 6 -- Going About Unchaperoned While Stepping Barefoot on Broken Glass in an Abandoned Mine Shaft is Not a Good Idea, and other Myths about Child Safety
Chapter 7 -- Taking a Child's Anxiety about the Boogie Man Seriously - Why you should always set fire to your house, change your name, and move out of town
Chapter 8 -- Laser Beams - The Invisible Menace
Chapter 9 -- Where the Bad People Live: Minneapolis, MN
Chapter 10 -- "Curses, Foiled Again!" - How to free your child from the clutches of pesky mustachioed villain cliches
Chapter 11 -- Know When to Get Out of the Room: "Daddy, why are my teeth talking to me?"
Chapter 12 -- Bees in Mexico: Why it's best to never go outside
Chapter 13 -- Nine Full-Proof Tips on How to Prevent Cannibals from Subliminally Brainwashing You Into Serving Your Children to Them for Breakfast
Chapter 14 -- Yes, I Will Do As You Command: Why serving your children to cannibals for breakfast is actually a good idea.
Bad ideas for kids TV shows:
The Cranimals - Visit the farm where all the animals are made of cran! (..as in cranberries)
Trash School - Meet Scrappy, Sloppy, Junky, Mucky, and Dumpster, the kids of Trash School.
My Mom is Rich - Scott & Samantha Superbucks relate in detail everything their mother has recently bought them.
Gorby! - The biographically accurate adventures of Mikhail Gorbachev as a young boy
The Bible Hotel - What happens when all of your favorite Biblical characters have to live in the same run-down hotel? And have to solve a murder mystery? Answer: Fun for children of all ages!
Bad ideas for kids toys:
Shock Ponies - Touch the magic ponies and receive a scary jolt!
The Amazing Sun-Bathing Commando - His naked torso actually tans in the sunlight!
Muddy Sally Doll - Just add mud.
Alligator Carve-Up Kit
The Never-Ceasing Neck-Squeezing Gripper-Twister
TV show titles that will never fly:
Actual People's Naps... Reenacted
Oh My, You're Philadelphia In Reverse!
Jesse J. Envelope: Fat Attorney
The Froots
Underprivileged Babies
Ohio Charley's Boudoir of Silence
Urological Eye-Openers
Sucky Cities and their Even Suckier Mayors
Homogenous Community
What If You Were A Neanderthal?!
The World According to Burpy
I See You... In the Bathroom!
The Family That Hates Food
Naked Except For Goop
Go Go, Giblets!
Probably not the best ideas for kids books:
You'll Never See the Ocean, Ricky, This I Swear
Tornadoes, and How to Take Them On Like A Man
The Joys of Swallowing Small Sharp Things
The Oldest Profession
How To Look, Act, Talk, & Accessorize Like a Grown-Up (for Ages 3-5)
The Best Stuff 2 Huff
Vocabelary, Grammer, Spelling: Who Need This Things?
Mr. Madam's Interviews With Diseased Persons
Howie the Hobo Gets Buried In Garbage
Eat Yourself Silly
Favorite Curse Words of Movie Stars
I Dare You To Barf
Very Odd Book Titles
The Nanny Dimension
Aunt Jeffrey's Not Afraid of You
Laughter Causes The Plague
How to Read Your Sores
The Green Lizards of Sidewalk
The Count of Sacramento
Ghost Beavers of the Bayou
The Old Barf
Salamander Candy
Temple of the Nerds
Liqui-Teeth International
Vengeance of the Platypoids
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