The Mighty Age-Old Quarrel
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In the far, far future, the headlines conveyed the sobering truth: "The Universe About to End". It was due to wink out of existence. Or go backwards. Or invert in on itself. Or whatever it is those astrophysicists are always yapping about. Something had to be done. The most advanced Sentient minds of the Universe worked the midnight oil on this Super-Conundrum to save Reality.
A thought experiment was developed. The Universe was viewed metaphorically as an Average Joe sitting on a couch, watching T.V., and almost ready to change the channel. This then was the utlimate question: How do you keep the Universe from staying glued to the same show (i.e. Reality As We Know It), week after week? What does the Universe like in a television program? A stunning breakthrough occurred when it was realized that whatever has universal appeal would also, therefore, have Universal appeal. So what everyone likes, the Universe will like too. Because it meant the salvation of all things in the Universe, the pursuit of the Universal Appeal began in earnest. It was like preparing for the Mother of all May Sweeps. The Universe had to be riveted to Reality and never get up for popcorn, a soda, or even the bathroom. To accomplish this, innumerable focus groups were conducted across the galaxies to find the concepts that Every Single Thing in the Universe appreciates. Now, Sentients, being the only Thing of the Universe actually capable of participating effectively in focus groups and probably, let's face it, the main demographic, heavily slanted the results quite a bit. As you can imagine, Sentients come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and weapon technologies. There is, however, one thing they have in common. Every sentient being is in agreement about the identity of their shared common ancestor -- an ancient race of diminutive amoeba-like, rhinoceros-ish creatures from planet Earth, called the Humans. Sentients might go to war over what style nose-prosthetic is more fashionable this week or whether vegetables are a food group, but they will never fight over the coolness factor of Humans, whom they call the Progenitors. Ask any young Sentient, the Progenitors are "zchjip" (slang for pretty rad-tacular). Being into Humans was like liking your own grandmother. Because of this attitude, it was ascertained quite quickly in the focus groups that Humans should star as the principal characters of the Reality-saving entertainment show. Additionally, the show should contain the following elements (also perennial favorites): But the number one thing they found besides Humans that everyone loves, and therefore the Universe loves too, was... In short: DOGFIGHTS! DOGFIGHTS DOGFIGHTS! Now that Universal Appeal was firmly established, the first and most challenging task would be casting the leads. Humans were long gone, having since evolved into the myriad Sentient races, so it wasn't as if there were any ancient amoeba-rhino dwarfs hanging out with headshots and agent contact information. True, traveling back in time and kidnapping a couple Progenitors was an option, but no one wanted to mess with causality all that much. You couldn't just take Arnold Schwarzenegger from ancient Earth. He did, after all, have to become the first transgendered president married to his own mother when he turned 189 years old. The course of history would completely change without that! But the question remained, were there any Humans back in time that could be missed? It was the noted progenitorologist Ooger Trousche that submitted the following two names: Amelia Earhart. And Jack the Ripper. Both had mysteriously disappeared without a trace. If one were to travel back and pluck them out, no one would be any wiser. And as an added bonus, they both even sort-of represented the forces of Good and Evil. Amelia was a perfect dogfight participant, already coming with her trusty plane, the Lockheed Electra 10E. With a little coaxing, she could even refer to it as her confidante and form the appearance of a friendship with it. Jack, unfortunately, did not have a vehicle for aerial altercation, so one would have to be found. Luckily, a pterodactyl, as vicious and cunning as Jack, was discovered in year 1976 A.D., hibernating in a secret nest on Mt. Olympus. Jack was quickly trained on the use of it as a mount, and within a remarkably short period of time, production was complete on the show. Just before the Universe "changed the channel", the two humans were set against each other in an endless cycle of aeronautical tussles. In the show, which has no cameras as the Universe is always watching, Jack, Amelia, and their respective "steeds", are transported periodically to various extra-dimensional locales outside of Space & Time - just to spice things up. Sometimes there are various floating power-ups and interactive parts. A little character development and a lobbed grenade. Maybe a "loop de loop". Was the show a success? The data was immediately conclusive: It was a hit. The ratings were through the roof, so to speak. The Universe put down its remote control and never got bored, or hungry for popcorn. It wasn't going anywhere, folks! You know the show is thrilling and action-packed and "zchjip". It's exactly what the Universe needed to stay on its lazy ass and watch it... forever. We're saved! |
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Winston Churchill saw new horizons where others saw impassable terrains. In his eyes, there was an entire world just waiting for Britannia to rule, one completely ripe for domination and utilization. Great Britain had extended its Empire far and wide, but not, Churchill noted, terribly deep. It had dominated the Land, Sea, and Air, but one unspoiled sphere still technically remained (if you neglected to remember Space). He thought it was only superstition and "pseudo-scientific rabble-flabble" that kept his country in perpetual exile from its rightful dominance over this virginal domain. The area Churchill believed he and his fellow Brits should conquer was the subaquatic one, the world under the ocean. From an early age, Churchill dubbed it with the rather optimistic name "New Britain" and felt there was nothing to stop his people from immediately sending colonists and planting the Union Jack. With fervor, he immediately set about trying to disprove the myth that humans cannot naturally breathe underwater. Churchill rejected the popular "delusions" that an invented mechanical contraptions such as scuba or the aqualung would do the job, believing that all one needed was a little British pluck and maybe some goggles.
"I've already got gills," Churchill was fond of saying. "They're called lungs". His unorthodox methods eventually worked, and by his early 20's, Churchill began his first surveying visits to New Britain, planting a flag and building a hut out of seaweed unsuccessfully. Churchill was a poor teacher of anything other than maths and never could impart his technique to anyone else. Undeterred from this shortcoming, he continued to visit the undersea kingdom and dream of replacing Neptune with his country's monarchical equivalent. It was during one of these expeditions that Churchill met the whale shark. No one is quite sure exactly what occurred, but an enmity was hatched from the egg of their union which would last until the end of his life. After that fateful encounter, Churchill would never return to the subaquatic world nor would he encourage anyone else to. When questioned, he would blame the whale shark but never elucidate further to anyone's satisfaction. Once, he whimsically compared the situation to King George and the American revolution, implying that it was simply time for Britain to pursue other interests. But banning Churchill and ergo all of Britain from undersea conquest was not the only crime the whale shark committed. Whenever anything went wrong for the statesman, he would blame the shark. Flat tire on a car: "Whale shark!" Germany invades Poland: "Whale shark!" Losing his hat and lacking an umbrella in the rain: "Whaaaaaaaale shaaaaaaaark!" It became a curse when things didn't go his way. If he wasn't screaming the denunciation, he was often heard mumbling: "That whale shark"; or if drunk: "That damnable whale shark". When asked why he didn't train British soldiers during World War II in his amazing underwater breathing abilities - surely a major advantage over the Germans if ever there was one - Churchill would only give the inevitable curt response, "That damnable whale shark", and attempt to wrestle the questioner. Many assumed Churchill used the whale shark as an elaborate personal metaphor, a Moby Dick to his Ahab, a representation for him of the forces of opposition in a life filled with many barriers and challenges to overcome. This theory has its merits, most notably the fact that whale sharks in reality are unlikely villains, being so typically harmless and gentle. New evidence has quite literally resurfaced, however, that debunks the metaphor theory and creates an exception to the "nice whale shark" rule. On the Barbary Coast, a journal was found washed ashore. Evidence suggests it was written by a Rhincodon typus, a whale shark. Within its pages is a methodical chronicle of every event in Churchill's life that did not go according to plan and how specifically the author [a whale shark] was responsible. The level of detail is astounding, and only a whale shark with the ability to diabolically manipulate events from afar could have written it. How the whale shark was able to write the journal remains a mystery, but as historian David Batchley has said, "If Winston Churchill can figure out how to breathe underwater, a whale shark can keep a diary of its clandestine and malevolent machinations." It Might Surprise You: |
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Cavebeard
Perhaps the first pre-recorded instance of a superhero, Cavebeard was a fierce warrior and protector of all those in need (especially when he was cold, hungry, or wanting to mate, and the needy in question could provide for these things). To commit his valorous deeds, Cavebeard used two weapons: the wheel and the flaming club. The wheel had already been invented, but no one had quite figured out what to do with it. Deeming it magical, the people feared its mysterious nature. Only brave Cavebeard dared command its frightening potentiality. This meant he threw it at people and sometimes hit them on the heads with it (or graze their shoulder if a miss). Cavebeard could not claim credit for the wheel, but could for the burning club, for which he was the proud inventor. Although a precursor to the modern-day torch, the burning club was never employed to illuminate darkness. Rather, Cavebeard wielded it like any kind of club, hitting things with it, preferably on the head (shoulder if a miss). Clubs had been around for some time, but it was Cavebeard with the ingenuity to first think to set one aflame. For when a club was on fire, Cavebeard could not just hit things with it, but also burn things with it. This was a major breakthrough, and humanity has been forever beholden. True, the burning club had a tendency to reduce to cinders rather quickly so it never lasted long, but for sheer intimidation factor, it was bar-none. Cavebeard, ever the innovator, did try his whole life to perfect what he called the "burning wheel", but to no avail - wheels at that time being typically carved of stone, an incombustible material. Cavebeard had only one true enemy (the rest were more on-again/off-again foes), known by today's paleontologists as: Man-o-Saur Other names: Mammal Killer, The Dinosaur that Evolved Too Much, Slith-Roar Despite the mass extinction of his entire species, Man-o-Saur lived! Not only did he live, he continued to evolve, becoming a bipedal upright being not unlike a certain mammal I could name. Speaking of mammals, Man-o-Saur hated them. He blamed them for what he saw as the genocide of his entire people, doing so despite the furry things' inability to command the trajectories of giant asteroids. Now Man-o-Saur is on a quest of revenge to eradicate mammalkind from the face of the earth. His main target: the puny mammalian hero, Cavebeard. Man-o-Saur preys on all the Warm-Blooded and wears a necklace of their skulls, and get this... (parents, shield your children's eyes!) He shockingly wears dead mammals' skins for his clothes... (!!!) Somebody wake up Cavebeard please because it's showdown time. Thanks. It Might Surprise You: |