Back to Archive Back to Current To Best Of Back to Home Page
Abstract: "What makes monkeys so funky?"-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
These words were said by a man who wrote about the greatest detective ever made--Sherlock Holmes. Many of us ask ourselves, "How did Holmes get so smart? What kind of 'intuition' pills did he take in the morning?" Don't worry, folks. He's really just made up. Made up people don't need pills to be made up. We need pills to be made up though. That's why we make monkeys eat them first so we know if they're good for us or bad for us or bad for us in away that is good, like PEPTO-bismol.
That's why we decided to make a better monkey, for the pills. We thought we'd go back in time to talk to our monkey's great great great great great a million more greats great grandparents and see what kind of pills THEY thought were good or bad or bad in a way that is good. But then we realized we liked it here in this time and it would be too expensive to go back and we'd have to bring our own food like on a really big picnic. So instead we decided to MAKE a monkey that was LIKE A MONKEY that we would want to eat our pills way back when. So we talked to some monkeys.
INTRODUCTION
Monkeys can't talk. We did some research that proved that if monkeys could talk, they probably would. This proves that monkeys right now are not talking because they can't talk, not because they don't want to talk to us. That was important for me to know because I made a mean face at a monkey once and he might have told all his friends.
When people talk, they use their brains. When they do other stuff, they use their brains for that too. Like when you are making a cake and all you know how to make is a sandwich. Is your cake going to look like a sandwich? I betcha!
Because monkeys can't talk, they can't do other things like making cakes because there's no one there (in their heads or on the outside) to tell them how. So we decided it would be cool to make a monkey's mouth move by giving him some candy and then have someone stand behind a tree or something and talk for him. Then maybe if the monkey talked about a cake he could maybe make one. It worked! The cake was really gross though. I hate strawberries.
Then we decided to make the monkey talk about his ANCESTORS so we would know how to make our own monkey that was like him to make a monkey from way a long time ago to give medicine to to see if he liked it or not.
METHODS
This is what the monkey said:
Sorry I made a gross cake. I forgot you don't like strawberries. Your mom is fat. Shut up. Okay, okay, okay. I'm from waaaaaay a long time ago when people weren't even here and we were allll monkeys. Some monkeys were better than others, like football. I was a monkey that lived in a giant monkey cloud on the ocean. We knew how to make origami and we did that all the time. We invented it. Yes huh. We made ninja throwing stars from origami that could kill anything, even like a giant elephant bear. They had those. But we never used them for that. We just traded them with fish for fruit to make smoothies.
Whatever. There was ice cream in the clouds. Shut up. We had smoothies. Oh yeah. We talked about girl monkeys and smoothies and origami weapons. We also talked about... making clouds run into each other and explode. We did that a lot. Is that enough? I'm hungry.
Does your mom have snacks? Turn it off.
RESULTS
We made a really good monkey from origami, but he doesn't talk a lot.
We tried to give him some candy pills but he tore and we had to make a new one. I'm going to ask my dad about what to do next. We could put a paper monkey in the computer, but I don't think we have to.
Back to Home Page