Yetso stepped up grandly onto the toadstool. He adjusted his cape, wiped some dust from his bare shoulders, and examined his monocle. He loved that monocle. "One day", Yetso thought, "I will write an ode to this monocle." But now was not the time to be idly considering orating odes to eyeware, he realized. The eyes of countless dozens (Yetso had difficulty counting past twelve) surrounded him on the toadstool in rapt attentiveness. Young and old were present. But strangely, no one middle-aged. Yetso dismissed this mystery and looked out at the throng of spectators. He beamed. He was at home in front of throngs. There was a slight pause while he savored the moment, and then...

....with one solitary "ahem", Yetso began to recite:

~~~


It was me and Ol 'Neero on board deck that day
We was spyin' on Miggy, keepin' our eyes steered his way
You're probably wonderin' - why all the high scrutiny?
It's because Mr. Miggins was plannin' a Mutiny
We had to watch him day-in and day-out
and when the day went away we still needed a look-out
Miggy was sleepin', his slumber quite snory
And this is the start of my fantastic story

Telling such tales is no new thing for me
I'm no amateur mariner orator you see
I was the self-appointed 'Official Ship Regaler'
I entertained with serenade, every Rigger, Cook, and Sailor
Even the cabin-boys, normally surly, sullen, and churlish
got entranced with romance and started prancing all girlish
That is, they did when I did my regaling,
when I engaged in my yarning and tremendous tall-tale-ing
I possessed the craft of making Laugh,
the gift of Guffaw, of Giggle and of Ha-Ha
I had the Knack for making Stone-Faces crack
I could make a sulker get his sense of humor back
A baby nearing birth would leap out from the mirth
A monk with vow of muteness would cackle with acuteness
Kings and queens bowed when they saw I was endow'd
with 'grandiloquent oratorial vernacular parlance'
and other long words that preyed on their ignarance
I knew not even what the words myself meant
but ne'er you fear, my message was sent
The Grim King keeps our attentions on him e'erday
His decaying decrees are hard to keep 'way
But with my message of mirth and of joy and of glee all bow to a new King,
name o' Life, aye we honor thee

As you can see clear I tend to digress
and it causes my audience no end of duress
but you'll just have to wait till I get back to the story
Okay fine.. you win.. where was I? I'm sorry
Oh yes, Ol' Miggy asnoozing and we all aspyin'
Tis to say me and 'Neero were there and I think maybe Bryan
Ol' Bryan the Brat is how he was known
cause he always demanded more tea with his scone
Cap'n Pip (he's our captain as everyone knows)
was aloft on the mast in the nest of the crows
He was lookin' for ships to plunder and break
Like an egg, thar be gold in their shells you could take
But we three were below with Miggins Mcfrain
quite worried he'd lead us to riot again
Twas only last Thursday when Miggins did goad
us all to take over the Jolly Big Toad
That's the name of our ship for you landlubber's sake
and a proud noble legacy it keeps in its wake

So Miggy incited and urged and did preach
He was doing a fine job at giving a speech
He pleaded entreated and bid us take heed:
"That Captain O'Pippy is not fit to lead
Take Charge! Usurp! You blimey seadogs!"
(he could challenge the best of the Greek demagogues)
So he got us all riled, all mean, all demanding
and we was all doubtin' the Captain's Commanding
and he sent us all off in Cap'n Pip's direction
Our aim and the name of the game: Insurrection
But it never did happen no sir, God be blessed
for our Captain was perched up top in the nest
As we gather'd below and we raised our chins high,
the sight of the height of the mast made us sigh
The climb to the top where the Captain did be
was too high and required too much energy
Pirates try not to get worn out and winded
so we gave up right there and our ire was rescinded
No more aims on the claims on control of the ship
All saw the supremacy of our Captain O'Pip
And much to the mutineer's DIS-satisfaction
that day was not known for its piratic infraction

So the crew went back to its merry rum-drinking
dancing jigs, and hurling pigs (it's not what you're thinking)
but a few of the crew were not rumdrunk delirious
We were musing on Miggy, quite wary and serious
We could see that Miggs' near-revolt could be portentous
and we had to do something no doubt to prevent this
If the Captain descended and came down below,
wouldn't Miggs still make us attempt overthrow?
Without the hindrance of excessive exertion,
O'Pip would be due for saltwater immersion
We knew our men lacked the requisite wills
to deal with Miggs' deft persuasion skills
No more (thought me and 'Neero and also the Brat)
instigatin', agitatin', insubordinatin', and all that
no more of Miggins' Mutinous Malodorous Mission
He would not induce with ruse the crew to a state of sedition
We would have to watch and keep him close under guard
Our eyes were on him like a lady to her lard

At this point in my story, you are not doubt agog
Oh wait, I just realized this has all been prologue
I haven't yet started to tell the real story
Everything I've said has been intro-duc-tory
I'm ashamed, I am red-faced, I feel clumsy and flustered
I've neglected the sandwich, just given you mustard
With no further ado, I'll get right to the gist
While watching McFrain, I was peering through mist
and I saw he was snoozing asleep on deck starboard
I was still fuming from the grudge I had harbored
The mutiny had taken the spotlight far from me
and without the attention, a Regaler's a dummy
I was worried that Miggy'd usurp my position
as Ship Regaler, if he had the ambition
I looked at Miggs on deck there all peacefully nappin'
Who knew he'd had such aims on our dear Cap'n?
that there be a a Machiavelli behind that big belly?
that he preferred steak to peanut-butter and jelly?
Who knew he fancied a chance to advance to a stance
where he could be wearing Captain O'Pippy's pants?
That he had a penchant for stealing all attention,
for creating inter-vessel captain-crew dissension?
who knew that he coveted...

~~~

And on and on and on he went, never actually getting to the real story. Oh, it wasn't anything too scary or fantastic, as he seemed to imply. While Yetso and his pirate friends were watching the mutineer McFrain, out from the mist came a giant sea serpent. She was friendly and her name was Wilhelmina. Bryan the Brat offered her tea and scones and they all exchanged pleasantries. Miggins McFrain napped right through it. Later Wilhelmina saved the Jolly Big Toad from a fierce storm at sea. The pirates rejoiced. Captain O'Pippy never did come down from the crow's nest.

The End.